So here is what I am thinking right now. I just dread having to write this post tonight; I think it's because I have so many damn thoughts racing through my head all day that trying to logically write them all down right now is going to be a challenge. Also, did I mention that I've had a fucking headache since early yesterday afternoon? Aside from that, I have this great contemporary painting that hangs over my sofa in my living room. It's a huge painting, believe it or not it is almost 8 ft. x 8 ft. (Yes, I have a high ceiling in my living room: please don't envy me because it sucks the AC and heat almost twelve months a year and my utility bills are through the roof. Also, can you please come by and help me clean the ever-present cobwebs and crap that seems to just blossom up there!.) Back to the point - today that painting broke free from the wall and crashed to the floor taking with it everything in its way. DON'T ASK!
(Read all about it and more, after the JUMP)
So, as you can see, I'm in this shit mood. But my mind is focusing on one main thing. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is it so difficult for me to maintain relationships! Is it me? Do I gravitate towards whack-job's and people without the ability to behave like human beings after a week of knowing them? And what about the crazies who I've known for months and years? I give up! Tonight's post here is not going to solve my issues with these relationships; I know that to be a fact. Instead, it will simply just be a place for me to vent. Fuck, I want to run into the street after a ball! Here is a quick list off the top of my head.
1. My friend Ekrem who I met many months ago called me on the telephone this morning for what seems like the first time ever. No wait, he did text me a month or two back when he wanted to know if I had gotten out of the subway yet; and where I was. Once every week or two he will text me to hang out. Sometimes his personality is as buoyant as a lead pipe. I do see him occasionally and we have a decent time but by 11:00 p.m. I am done! Last time he texted me it was to see if I could take him to Ikea. You see I have a car - he just moved into a new apt. - he needs to pick stuff up and can't do it without a car... my car. I said of course I'll help you. He texted me Friday two weeks ago at 9:45 p.m. and asked me if I could take him there at 8:00 a.m.. Saturday morning; the very next day. I honestly couldn't; I was having brunch with my brother. I told him I could do it at 2:00 p.m.; he said no, it's too late. I said that I would do it Saturday night or anytime Sunday. He said again, no! Too late! I asked him if he wanted to hang out that Saturday night for a few hours; again he said no because he didn't want to leave his dog alone in the new apartment, yet! Okay then... I kissed his ass and said well, sorry and then said goodbye. What I wanted to say was fuck you asshole. Do I sound angry? No big deal. Two weeks went by and he and I haven't spoken. That's not out of the ordinary, we always let that amount of time go bye without speaking. But today, I get a voice message. Ekrem called me? On the phone? What did he want? To take him to fucking Ikea with my car this weekend! What do I think about that? Screw!
2. Next, my new long distance buddy Jake, writes me or wrote me everyday for 10 days telling me how great and awesome I was and how he is lucky to have me in his life. The emails were fun. They were more or less emails about what was on his mind or mine; emails that got us more acquainted with our individual likes and dislikes, etc. You know, typical bonding bullshit. Anyway, whether he knows it or not. I see him all the time online doing naked, JO camming for dozens and dozens (excess of 200) of cheering, hooting, guys egging him on the blow a load most likely while he fingers his butt. I know - don't even say it! Did I mention... yes I did that Jake is married with young kids? Did I mention that Jake is closeted, feels he is gay and wants to tell his wife he is a big homo and be done with it all. He told me that he never had anyone to talk to about all of this. He trusted me; gave me his telephone number, his real full name, what Company he works for - we even added one another as Facebook friends! He said he was so glad to have someone like me to talk to. Then, one day early last week, he told me that he came out to his Aunt; he had mentioned to me that his aunt was young and cool and he trusted and respected her a lot. Well, I'm glad he has her in his life. But,all of a sudden, Jake stopped emailing me.Went from hearing from him everyday to not hearing from in 5 days and when he plays Words With Friends (the Scrabble app on my and his iPhone) it could take him a day or two to respond once. (He initiated the game). So today he texts me and tells me how busy he is with his baby's birthday party and that he is glad to have me as a friend, but that he has no time to email me and needs to chill with regard to that. I figure, well, that's understandable and cool. But what do you know... there he is, naked online on his cam jerking off and showing every square inch of his naked body to the world. From India to Ethiopia to Bismark to The Sudan, they all see my friend Jake, naked and jacking; and he does it for an hour at a time. Yet, he writes and tells me he has no time to keep in touch with me! What do I think about that? Fuck you!
3. I have this friend; not sure I've ever mentioned him to you all. His name is Joseph. I have known him for 13 years or more. I was there for him when his wife cheated on him and left him. Was with him when he realized he too was gay and came out to the world. Probably faster then he really wanted to come out, but one of the tricks he had NSA (No Strings Attached) with dropped off naked pictures of Joseph in his mailbox for his wife to see. What followed was a year of, "I'm going to kill myself!" But now... he is Homo Of The Year! With a boyfriend and all new flaming friends and goes to plays, and nude yoga retreats, and shops. Yes he shops now... a lot! Come to think of it, he always shopped a lot. What my friendship with him has deteriorated to is an occasional phone call once or twice a month while he drives to or from his boyfriend, his friends, some event, weekend getaway or schmooze festival. He likes to talk while he drives. So, he picks me to call and unload his social calendar to. He loves to tell me how big his boyfriends friends houses are, or what great party or club he went to. Am I ever invited anywhere? Fuck No! He always tells me we need to hangout. When did I see him last? Lets see; almost a year ago, What do I think about it? Fuck you!
I can go on and on and on. It doesn't end with #3. I can probably keep this list going all the way to #8, #9 or #10. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Seriously, just the fucking tip of the fucking iceberg and you know what I think about all of this? Fuck them! Yeah!!! I think I feel better. Good night all!
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