I think its a done deal. I feel really empty and sad, but had to sign onto my blog to write this entry. Maybe writing this will help me realize that Jess and I are over. We almost made it to 9 months.
I've been writing the last few days that Jess has been a total asshole to me. Nice one minute and verbally abusive the next. Just for the record, he never cursed me out or blatantly insulted me. With Jess it was more subtle and hurting. The kind of things you just don't do or say to someone you care about.
He has been apologizing the last few days from his last verbal attack on me this past Thursday night. I stood by him and told him in some emails and texts that I understand that he has issues and that his outbursts and abusive shit is more about him then about me. But, no one else that he is friends with gets dumped on like me.
Tonight I went to see him. Sent him a text at around 5:00pm and told him that we needed to talk. He responded with a text and told me he was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art with his friend Leah and her two gay guy friends. By the way, weeks ago I asked Jess to go with me to the Met and his response was "no, I don't like the Met!" He told me he would call me when he was done with them (approx. 45 min.) I ended up meeting Jess's friend, Mary for coffee. Mary and I have become quasi friends the last few months after I met her from Jess. Only thing is, is that she worships the ground Jess walks on, and still wants to have his fucking babies and suck his cock. Literally she is the ultimate fag hag, except in this case she actually loves Jess. So, by now you understand that I can't commiserate with Mary about Jess. He does no wrong, period! She and I went for coffee, and Jess called and said he would meet us. We met him on the corner of 2nd Av and 29th Street. He said lets go to a diner and get some dinner. He never once even looked at me except at the diner, he looked at me when we all sat down and just laughed! The kind of laugh that made me feel like shit. So I asked him "what are you laughing at?" He laughed and said nothing. From that point on, he didn't look at me or say a word. It was like I wasn't there and Mary was in fucking hog heaven. She had her boy with her and she had his total attention. After a few sarcastic remarks from the two of them I said, "I think I'm going to leave" I didn't order dinner because I wasn't hungry and it was really not the place for me to be. I felt so awkward and unwanted and Jess was ignoring me for the most part. I left and no one including Jess tried to stop me.
As I was heading home, I text Jess. He didn't respond. So, like a pathetic asshole I called him and talked to him for 10 minutes on the phone. I told him I wasn't happy. He said he would call me back because he was with Mary. This was 9:15pm. I waited to hear from him till 11:15pm and I heard nothing. So I went to his place and walked in (I have the key) and I left a note for him on his kitchen counter. I also gave him the key back. In the note I wrote something like: Jess, I have been waiting for you to call me for the past two hours. You know that I was upset but you didn't feel it important enough to call me back as you said you would. I get the message loud and clear. I hope you find what you're looking for. Love Steve.
I left and as I closed the door behind me, I gulped and felt a huge hard empty pit in my stomach. I knew I was not just leaving his apartment, but also leaving Jess. I kept looking at my cell phone to see if he had sent me a text or was calling. I've heard nothing at all. It is now 1:00am and I guess I should go to sleep. I don't think I will be able to. Fuck, why am I so pathetic! Why am I so lonely! I miss what Jess and I used to have.
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