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Saturday, April 24, 2010

I Haven't Heard From Jess Today, Yet!

I haven't heard from Jess at all today.  At least not yet.  I wonder if he is giving me my space.  Or is he just worn down from all this crap and angst that he holds deep inside without realizing what causes it.  Or, maybe his "dinner party" from last night is still going on or he is so worn out from it that he is resting, relaxing or brunching, alone or with someone.  Should I care, no but I do.

I keep thinking over and over again in my head, how hard its going to be for me if this is the end finally between Jess and me.  I wonder if he realizes that it could be the end and the reason is because of him.  I keep feeling that his moods and his anger and frustration all the time with me is his way of dealing with wanting to let me go.  Perhaps he feels like he doesn't deserve me or maybe he feels he deserves better.  I don't know.

I feel awful.  I feel empty and I feel alone.  I hate how I feel.  Its such a beautiful day outside today and I'm indoors.  I especially don't even feel like working out at the gym.  I am not calling Jess.  That would undermine my (and I hate to say this) lesson that I want him to realize if he really wants me in is life or not.  Being alone from me and not having me with him could prove to him one way or another that he misses and wants me or he doesn't miss me and really doesn't want me. Stay tuned.

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