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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Beginning To Sink, Again.

Yesterday I wrote that Jess had sent me an email where he said that he misses me and would really like to see me soon. I've only seen Jess once by this point in the eleven days. I was excited and I thought I would surprise him. I made plans to go and see him and wait for him to get off work. I wasn't going to wait in his apartment, even though I had the keys... that would be uncomfortable for me, what if Jess didn't want me to do that. Click on the jump below to read the entire story about what occurred last night.

I sent him a text at 6:30pm and told him I was coming to see him. I got no response. By 7:45pm I called his phone and he didn't answer. Jess often works late like this and doesn't have access to his cell sometimes. It was not out of common for this to happen but for me the timing on this particular night sucked. By 8:45pm I was done waiting.  I had even gone to the Home Depot on 23rd St. to kill some time while I was waiting to hear from him. I was wondering if he was going to call me and tell me he had plans. I was prepared for that too and by this point I had worked myself into a lot of anxiety about it.  While in Home Depot, I saw these 10" high window screens that opened like a sliding door. You insert them into an open window to keep out bugs etc. and it allows fresh air. I knew Jess wanted something like this, and opted to get him the more expensive type that had a built-in foam filter that kept out pollen, allergy and dust and dirt. I thought he would like that. They cost me $25.00. While I was there, I saw the $130.00 Kovac's lamp that Jess bought when he was with me in Soho about two weeks ago. Shit, it was only $99.00 at Home Depot. Wow, Jess would be annoyed, especially if he knew Home Depot was selling his hot shot Kovac's lamp. I sprung into action, on Jess's behalf. The store in Soho was closed at this time but their customer service 800 number was still open and a representative answered. After just five minutes of my explanation, the nice lady looked up Jess's purchase on the computer and saw that I (he) had indeed paid that price on that day for that lamp. She apologized and credited Jess's charge the $30.00 plus tax difference. She even sent me (him) an email with the authorization and case number. I was happy. Happy as usual to do something for Jess. He will be pleased.

As I was saying, by 8:45pm I was ready to go home. I hadn't yet heard a thing from Jess. I was going to grab a fast dinner and go home. At that moment Jess called. He said he saw the missed calls on his phone and knew it was me. He stepped out of his office to call me back. He told me not to go home and if I could, to please wait about thirty minutes more. He will take a taxi home and be there ASAP.  He asked if I was going to get some dinner, could I get him something and he will pay me when he sees me. "Of course," I said. I was happy he called and once again, excited to see him.

I got to his apartment, Jess wasn't home yet. On the phone he told me not to be ridiculous and just go in and wait for him. I did. I noticed a gift, a small bottle of volcano ash on the counter. It must have been from Oliver. I also noticed that the closet where all the blankets and bedding where stacked where still perfectly in the shelf.  I know that because I was the one who stacked them in that tight space. They were perfectly folded and wedged into the tight shelf. They were exactly as I had put them. The only think that was on the bar stool were two pillows. Those were the only thing that were taken out of the closet for Oliver to use. He must have slept with Jess all weekend in Jess's bed.  Jess simply gave him two additional pillows.  My heart sank.  I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I wasn't going to let this interfere with me and Jess's visit tonight.

Jess got home about ten minutes later. We said hello, smiled and mentioned that it was good to see one another. I hadn't seen him since Friday night when he and I walked after going to the Diner. We sat down, ate turkey burgers and sweet potato fries that I had picked up. We talked about nothing deep or emotional or about us. We talked about music, work, and oh yeah, I showed him the screens that I got him and told him about the credit to his charge account that the store was doing regarding the lamp. He smiled, he loved it all.

By the time we got done with dinner it was late. Must have been around 10:15pm. I helped Jess put the screens into his two windows. Once in the living room and the other in his bathroom (for cross ventilation). I even helped him clean the bathroom window. I went out on the roof deck outside the window to do the exterior and Jess did the interior. When we were done it was almost 11:15pm. I was pooped but hadn't really spoken to Jess about anything amounting to much. I was hoping that he would have addressed the Oliver weekend and verbally tell me the same thing about "how he thought it was weird that Oliver was staying with for a visit" that he told me in both the phone call Thursday night and in an email on Saturday. He didn't. We didn't discuss a thing and it was obvious that we weren't going to. Five minutes later I was saying goodbye. I was crying inside and sad as hell. I was leaving his place, I was missing him already. He went to hug me goodbye and I stood there like a limp piece of spaghetti. I wanted to hold him tight and kiss him. I couldn't and I didn't. He noticed my coldness, even mentioned it briefly in a joking way. I was out the door.

I felt like such a fucking fool again. Why is this guy so quiet with me in person. Why does he send me sometimes the most beautiful emails and texts and yet when he is with me, its business as usual. He shuts down. Who am I fucking fooling. I say that I am moving on from Jess in my head and I think I times that I am, but I'm fucking not. Not in the least. I love that guy so damn much.

As I walked to the subway, I called him. I got his voicemail. I left a message telling him if he could please send me a check for $30.00 to cover the screens and dinner. I did this as nice as possibly. I said that I hate leaving this as a message but being that it went to voicemail, I figured I'd might as well. While I was leaving the voice message, I saw that Jess was calling me back. I didn't switch over to take the call. He left a message thanking me again for getting him dinner and the screens and of course he would send me a check. He asked that I send him my exact mailing address with zip so he has it in his phone. I did. I went home sad, empty, lonely and missing him terribly. Thinking that asking him to repay me was the right thing, I think I had a bit of guilt about doing so. But not asking him to pay me back would make me feel like a big fucking loser that does everything and anything for him, especially all things considered regarding where he and I are these days.

When I got home, I had to vent and I wrote Jess an email. It's long but I had to say what was on my mind. I hope he understands. He still yet to comment about it. Maybe he won't!

Here is what I wrote Jess:


It was nice to spend a few hours with you tonight. I just got home and doing a little surfing on the Internet before I head off to bed. I had a few thoughts and I've been having a tug of war in my head about whether or not to write you and let you know what's on my mind.

First and foremost, it was good to see you tonight. Although things between us have obviously changed, I still feel a connection of sorts when we are together. I think that connection is based on the past nine or so months and the relationship and friendship that we had forged. It can be a nice feeling and I was looking forward to seeing you to enjoy that. I did!

I think the reason why I am writing this is because I am finding it harder and harder to talk with you when we are together in person. Sometimes I wonder if there seems to be two different people. The first man is Jess who sends me emails. I call him the "email Jess." I love that Jess. He is human and he is honest and he is in touch with his feelings and knows how to communicate. That Jess speaks his mind openly and also conveys his thoughts clearly even when they involve his heart! He says things that are on his mind. He talks about how he feels. He speaks honestly about what is going on in his head and in his heart. Like I said, I love this Jess.  He isn't perfect but who is! I sure as hell am not! Even in his imperfection, "email Jess" is as perfect a person in my opinion as I have ever met in my entire life!

There is also the "other" Jess. The Jess who is closed off. The Jess who doesn't speak about anything that might reflect on how he is actually feeling. The Jess who is the exact opposite of the "email Jess".

The "email Jess" writes (last few weeks, for example) things such as:

----------oh -- and you were right. So far so good on the stress factor. I think today will end up being just fine. Why do I do that go myself?
----------I really miss you. Can you come and hang out soon? We can watch a movie or just chat.
----------Hey, I need to be sure you know that I love you just the way you are.
----------I love that Steve who was in the park. I love that Steve who is emotional. I love that Steve who redesigned -- I mean re-architected my apartment. You are an amazing guy, Steve (I know this is the part where you say "but here it comes...") and no matter what, I hope you want to be in my life forever.
----------It was fun to see Oliver last night, but I am finally understanding what you mean when you were telling me that it is weird for him to be staying at my place. I have no interest in him physically -- that chapter is over, as I told you before -- but I know what you mean about it being a little weird.
----------If you haven't figured it out yet, I am weird.
----------Hey Steve! I am glad I have things to keep me busy right now.  Organizing the closet reminded me of you. And   you would have done it much much better. It took me forever. I also  wished you were here to help me spruce up the corner where the desk is (Steve's corner). I wanted to hang some paintings but wanted input on what would look best.
----------First, I know that I love you and I love you more than anyone I've ever loved before.  (OK, there haven't been a TON of people, but still...)
----------Love, love love love you.  Will always love you. Jess
----------Hey Steve -- I forgot about your sensitivity to time. Don't worry, let time be your ally. I'm hoping we have a brownstone and a kid by then! ;)
----------Hey Steve -- I love you. That's the main thing you should remember.  Thanks for coming by tonight. You helped me eat better, avoid trashy TV AND get a chunk of my review finished. That was very productive.  But best of all, I got to see you.
----------Oh - I love that key chain! And we need to find that key and give it back to you! I am looking forward to seeing you tonight.

That person was easy for me to fall for.  I did!  And it was great.

But Jess, for some reason, in person you shut down and close off. Its almost as if the person who wrote those warm, honest and loving emails is not even there when I am with you. Sometimes you can write me something that speaks so honest and true to what you are feeling and how it is affecting you. Then I can see you later that day or evening or even the next day and its as if whatever you had written is gone, the thoughts are gone, the feelings are gone, the honesty is gone. And all I see is Jess. Of course you are nice and I love still being with you but it can be superficial and its business as usual and it can be distant and sometimes even so disconnected that I wonder, who wrote me that email and said those things?

Sometimes Jess, most recently too, you will write me to me about how you feel about something or even how you are feeling in general. Then when I see you in person, its as if you've never said that to me. Its as if you retract what you wrote or aren't feeling what you wrote. Your thoughts from your emails and texts don't come up even in conversation and it doesn't come up in your vibe or your demeanor. Its so confusing.

I got your email this morning (Tuesday morning) where you wrote: Thanks for the email. I really miss you. Can you come and hang out soon? We can watch a movie or just chat. That email made me really want to see you. I believe what you wrote and I thought that you really wanted to see me too. I don't know why but tonight didn't seem like you really wanted to talk or watch a movie. I know of course it was late, but do you know what I mean?

Anyway, I love you Jess, you know that! I want to be able to talk to you. I wish you could talk to me in person as you do when you email and text. Maybe you are afraid to talk or say the things in person that you write in your emails and texts. Friday night when you and I walked from the diner south on 2nd Av., we had a nice talk about your job, the buildings on the street, the weather, etc. But Jess, less then 24 hours earlier I had gotten some pretty honest and heartfelt emails from you. Why did you shut down when you saw me in person? Why do you shut down when you SEE me? Please, please know that I am not angry with this. I just feel close enough that I can talk to you about it. I'd love to talk to you about it in person but, the circumstances just don't allow it. I'm concerned about you not wanting to or to more accurately put it, being able to.

It's late and I need to get some sleep. I did not call you (sorry that you couldn't get to the phone on time - I'd rather have explained it to you on the phone instead of in a text) to ask for the money because I was being mean, or snarky or spiteful. Trust me when I tell you that spending money on you is my pleasure. I am comfortable in calling you one of my best friends and money just isn't that important to me when friends are involved. But I don't want to feel bad about myself any more. I don't want to feel that perhaps there may be a slight or even substantial imbalance. So when I saw that tonight was just a two hour evening of friends hanging out and working on your place a little bit.....  I thought you would talk to me, open up, let me know what was going on with you and maybe even elaborate on some of the emails that you had written to me. You didn't and yes I didn't either because I was afraid to take you down that road. So as I walked to the subway, I thought that I had to do the right thing... for me. Part of me foolishly thought that perhaps your email to come and talk would have led to that, us talking about what perhaps you write me.

I do want to say one thing about your weekend with Oliver. I haven't brought it up to you since that Sunday where when I did, all hell broke loose. I gave you space and decided that your decision to host Oliver was  something that I couldn't effect, change or make you understand how I felt. You wrote me that nice email, even called me on the telephone that Thursday nite and touched on some thoughts you were having. But that was it, never again did I hear anything more about how you felt. You even told me that you told your friends that you disagree with them when they told you that they agreed with how I felt. So I was confused again, "email Jess" said that he agreed with how I felt and understood. "In person Jess" says that he doesn't. Oliver is gone and to use an old phrase, "whats done is done". But, still will the real Jess please stand up!! I think I love both Jess's... but I don't understand one of them that well.

Don't get annoyed with me for this email. Please OK? Email me or text me later. I'm crazy about you. Maybe I'm just plain crazy!!


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