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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

More Shit To Confuse You Guys! More Shit To Confuse Me!

I was going to start this blog entry with the phrase "My head is about to explode" but I won't waste any one's time doing that. I guess I just did, didn't I?  This one will be brief. Read more after the jump below.

I wrote last night that Jess had called me on the telephone while I was out. I didn't call him back because:
  • It was too late and totally unnecessary to return his call that only was saying "hi" in the first place.
  • After all the shit and mixed signals that he has been giving me (and you all know what those are) I figured that I needed to stop being the "little man" who is wasting away for Jess and begging him to stay with me not just as a friend but as the boyfriend I have been so into for nine months.  Well, fuck that. I think I woke up and realized that no one can be "into" someone who is pathetic and who keeps coming back for more and more even after being treated like shit and taken advantage of.
I really don't think I'm playing games here. Yes, I love him and would love things to be perfect (well, nothing is ever perfect, but you know what I mean) again and in the back of my mind I completely feel that Jess loves me but is so fucked up with issues that he doesn't realize or know what he wants. That being said, I want him to think of me as strong, well at least stronger then I've been. Perhaps if he sees me moving on, he will come to his senses and wake up. So what I'm saying is that I didn't call Jess back last night. Instead, I sent him another nice text response saying that I was out with Rich and heading home soon. That was it.

This morning, I felt it right to text him a simple good morning. Only because I don't want to appear that I am playing a game and avoiding him or acting "hard to get". I'm not, I'm just trying to be more "together" and get my self esteem back. Especially since Thursday, Oliver is coming to town to stay with Jess for five days. Fuck that!

So I sent Jess what I think is a generic text. I wrote:
Good morning Jess. We got a blah rainy day here, hope things are going good for you :-)

Jess just responded back with:
Hey-- sooo good to hear from you! I miss you. It's a an ok day here. Colleague is telling me about the Jersey Shore and an another colleague is telling me I should get a place. How are you?

I guess in time, I will respond with: I'm doing well or great or something like that. Jess needs to know I am not suffering over him anymore. Well, yes I am but he does no longer need to know that! 

So, can you believe this shit? He writes that he misses me? What the fuck! He saw me Sunday and repeatedly told me to go home, etc. These texts he sends me? Is he a schizo? Or just totally confused? I mean he has this ex of his coming to stay with him from Europe on Thursday--where is his fucking mind??


Russ Manley said...

Bless you Steve. There's no point anyone giving you a single word of advice because you are not able to hear it, or even if you heard it you wouldn't follow it.

I know because I was in the same place once many years ago. And I was a crazy man not just for weeks or months but for years afterwards. And it was all absolutely needless and pointless: an utter waste of time and spirit.

When you get tired of hurting yourself, you'll wake up and move on, and not a moment before. And then be gobsmacked that you were ever so uncomprehending about the facts of life. Nobody else can make you see that right now, I well know from my own experience. You have to come to see it on your own.

Pain exists for a reason: to teach you not to hurt yourself when you can't figure it out on your own. When the pot burns your hand, drop it. Good luck buddy.

drew said...

Russ, absolutely great advice!! I have tried to help out with posts but you said it all!!

My Big Itch said...

Hey guys, thanks, I really do appreciate the feedback comments and I totally know that if I wasn't me and I was reading my blog, I would give that person the same great advice that you guys have given to me. Yes, obviously I love Jess and part of me (a big part) thinks that Jess has some serious issues and yes, down deep inside he knows he loves me and perhaps eventually if he can get his shit together one day we can be together in a healthy relationship. But do I just walk away from him now? I'm confused and not sure that I can or want to do that. I know, I know, I'm a mess, right!

Anonymous said...

Crap I wrote a comment before which didnt post. so I'll summarize. It's not wierd ..... he's not ready for an adult relationship. He wants sex with other guys. He is unable/unwilling to be empathetic to your feelings about his having Oliver over. Even if he thought your feelings were unjustified, if he valued you the way he should, he'd have told Oliver, "I'm sorry but you can't stay here, because the man I love thinks something might happen." My brother's wife said she is uncomfortable with his friendship with a woman from work..... even if nothing is going on.... so to keep his wife happy, he avoids the co-worker. In committed relationships, you make sacrifices for your partner. Jess needs some therapy and unless he gets it, I think his behavior will repeat. He's just not ready for you. xoxo Joel