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Monday, May 24, 2010

Oliver Is Leaving Today, At Least I Think He Is Supposed To.

It's late on Sunday night. I guess you might call it early Monday morning. Today was a pretty unproductive day. Jess contacted me with mostly test messages today. I would safely estimate that he sent me seven or eight of them. He also sent me a few brief emails. None of either type of message really said much or amounted to much. Pretty much, he went on about how shitty he felt. He apparently came down with a bug of some kind and has been sick since Saturday late morning. He said he spent most of Sunday on the couch with TV and sleeping on and off.

Of course I told him that I hoped that he would get well soon and I spent most of my response texts to him making stupid suggestions like get some chicken soup and shit like that. He did sign all of his texts and emails with "big hug". I only I could! I look forward to the day when I can, even if it is just part of embrace when we say hello. I love his smell, and the perfect way he fits against my body. I love the way my cheek feels as it nuzzles on the side of his neck. I am truly in love with this person. Click on the jump to read much more about how today (Sunday) ended up.

Funny, he never mentioned Oliver who has been apparently has been staying with him since Thursday. One of Jess's texts to me at around dinner time mentioned that he hasn't eaten anything in nearly a day. I wrote back that you really need to get some food into your stomach and suggested soup and possibly some crackers. He said that he didn't have any soup in the apartment and didn't feel like going to the store but he might consider that. My thoughts started to drift and all I could think about is where the fuck is Oliver. Why can't Oliver go to the corner store for you, I mean you are his host and allowing him to stay at your apartment all week, would Oliver suggest that, even without Jess having to ask?

Long story short. I called Mary and suggested that she head over to Jess's place and bring him some home style chicken soup and some ginger ale from the store. Mary (who has become my friend as of late and who has been great support for me during this entire Jess thing) thought that was a great idea. You see, Mary loves Jess, and still holds out hope, slim that it may be, that Jess will one day wake up and be straight and the two of the will get married and live happily ever after. My very informed opinion on that is "fat chance". Anyway, Mary headed the 14 blocks south to the store and to Jess's apartment, soup in hand or I should say in bag. I called Jess on the phone and was very careful not to come across as too caring and too much of the "loving and giving Steve that I have always been. So, that in mind, I simply told him that Mary was on here way with some soup. He was happy, sick but happy and immediately thanked me after assuming (and I mean assuming, because I did not tell him) that I was the architect of the plan. When Mary got there, she dropped off the soup. Nothing much was mentioned about Oliver (remember that Mary and Jess had a few short words about Oliver staying with Jess. She, as apparently everyone else Jess told felt that He was dead wrong in having Oliver come and stay with him).  Jess had told Mary in a response to her email yesterday that "everyone thinks I am wrong". That's when Jess wrote and told Mary that he was "odd". He tells me he's "weird" and tells her he is "odd".

When Mary stood at Jess's door with the soup, Jess told her that Oliver had just run out to the store to get some dinner for himself (maybe for Jess too).  Either way it sounds really strange to me. Why couldn't Oliver get Jess the soup? Also, Jess has emailed and texted me a lot since I saw him Friday night. He said he was home all day on the couch sick on Saturday and Sunday as well as home sick in front of the TV Saturday night and Sunday night. Mary and I truly believe him (we didn't over course even discuss it with Jess, remember, I don't want Jess to think I give a shit so I don't even mention Oliver's name, ever, even if he does).
But what kind of vacation is this for Oliver?  Unless did Jess boot him out on Friday or suggest that he stays in a hotel? Or did Jess pay for the hotel for him? I doubt it. Jess alluded to me in a text (of course I didn't respond) and told Maria that Oliver has been busy all weekend hooking up! Is that possible. Something doesn't smell kosher. I don't really believe that Jess, who truly is sick has been having sex with Oliver while he is in town. Okay, so maybe some kissing and a innocent blow job (ugh) but I really don't see it the way the weekend shaped up for Jess. Keep in mind that Jess must have sent me over twenty texts since Friday. Not sure if he did that purposely to let me know without actually saying it that nothing has been happening with him and Oliver. He did actually write me on Friday morning specifically and told me that there was no physical attraction between himself and Oliver and any of that was in his words... history, remember?

Funny, get this, Jess asked Mary if I was sitting in the Park outside his apartment waiting for her while she dropped off the soup and ginger ale. Mary told Jess "absolutely not, Steve doesn't act and do that stuff anymore." Ha-ha, yes of course I don't do that anymore. I'm a changed man from a mere four weeks ago! That was a good thing for her to say, I think. Remember many weeks ago, maybe even a month or more ago, I was so distraught and sad over Jess not speaking to me that I waited in the park in the rain for hours. Damn, now that was a fucking pity party. That was pathetic and even though I get pretty sad these days, that shit isn't going to happen, again. I hope and think that Jess knows that.  Jess sent me a text tonight and said that he had hoped I was in the park waiting for Mary because that way I could have come up and seen him. Yeah right, me, him and Oliver! Or maybe, just maybe, Oliver is not there anymore. God, I'm confused.

All I know is that Jess texted me again tonight about four more times and told me he was watching the finale of "Lost" and then off to bed. I wonder if that meant alone? Of course, he's been sick, who wants to sleep with a sick guy! He said he was beginning to feel better and planned on going to work in the morning. I think I also remember Jess telling me that Oliver was leaving on Monday (tomorrow) to head back home. Goodbye to him!

Maybe he is already gone! Anything is possible but since Thursday night, it seems like Jess was trying really hard to paint me a picture of Olivers weekend as a non-sexual, platonic visit. This is sharply different from the way Jess led on how it might be when he first told me that Oliver was coming to town. At that time he made it seem like it was anyones guess including Jess's if sex was going to happen.

From my vantage point which I admit is a shitty and distant vantage point (I mean I am not in the apartment or in the bed with them) but it didn't even seem as if they even hung out together, let alone have lots of intimate time. Who knows!

Glad Oliver is leaving, at least I hope he is. But, I need to keep in mind that Jess and my issues began weeks before Jess told me that Oliver was coming to visit. Jeff's issues with me, and with relationships, claustrophobic feelings about relationships, monogamy, sex with others were all issues that were erupting weeks before Oliver came for this trip. I must not forget that. Jess also will never get me to forget that he did invite Oliver to NYC to stay with him, regardless of what did or didn't happen between them. He gets no free pass on that self-centered, inconsiderate blunder.

This should be an interesting week coming up, to say the least. God, give me strength to keep that same attitude I've had with Jess the last seven days... strength and indifference, hurt but not suffering, sad, but without a pity party and moving on with my life as opposed to begging and pleading with Jess to stay the course with me.  Fuck that!  Oh, and as I end this post, let me say one last thing.  I love you Jess!!

Any thoughts anyone? I could sure use the help!

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