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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Tuesday Already, I Need A Good Week, Even A Good Day!

Seems like the weather is changing again here in NYC. Today is beautiful, blue sky with warm temperatures. They say tomorrow is going to hit the low to mid 90's, That's a bit overdoing it, but summer is not to far away and I had better get used to it.

I haven't written that much in the last day or so, mostly because there hasn't been much to say. Jess stayed home from work yesterday, he was still feeling under the weather. We didn't communicate until sometime around 5:00pm when he called and left me a voice message. He sounded down, somewhat depressed. I know that because I am so used to hearing Jess sound that way when he gets in one of his "moods" or better yet, when he gets totally down on himself and wallows in his unhappiness. It is temporary  for sure but it's not pretty to watch during the brief time he is in it. Click on the jump to read more about my conversation with Jess.

I called him back, and yep, he was feeling awful. Paramount in his mind was his job, which he dislikes and wasn't looking forward to getting back to today (Jess always talks about how he dislikes his job, but like many of us, myself included, he renders himself powerless to do anything about it).

We spoke for almost one hour. It was a nice conversation, but it had negative undertones, mostly because Jess's mood was really down. I tried to lift him up, citing all his great attributes and qualities, good fortune etc. After a few minutes of that, I figured that I should shut up, since, well, things with Jess and I are on a different level these days, or are they? Maybe talking with Jess helped him, maybe it didn't, Jess doesn't really let on about that.

Jess told me about a movie that he saw on Sunday (on cable) that made him sad. Seems like he has been depressed for a few days. Movie was Doubt starring Meryl Street and Philip Seymour Hoffman. I told him that I'd check it out. We didn't talk about Oliver at all, except for Jess telling me quickly that rarely saw Oliver during his stay with him (Oliver supposedly left to go home Monday afternoon). Jess, said that being sick since Saturday left him mostly on the sofa all weekend, feeling lousy.

Personally, I am not ready to hear Jess talk to me openly and candidly about Oliver and his weekend with him. I feel not discussing it is best to get my point across that I don't condone what he did and still am hurt, regardless of what he did or didn't do with Oliver sexually.

The conversation  ended when I nicely said, well, I'll let you go. Jess said to me "we'll talk soon". I paused, hesitated and for a moment I got quiet. Jess, then spoke and almost as if he was correcting himself, he said "we'll talk later". I smiled, maybe he knew that. I said goodbye and hung up.

I decided to watch the movie Doubt. As Jess had said, it was sad, and made me think and get retrospective.  Whether right or wrong, I sent Jess a simple email (while I was still watching the movie).  It was a forwarded copy of the very first email that Jess ever sent me from back on August, 7, 2009.  I guess feeling sad made me yearn for those earlier, exciting days when it all began with Jess. I don't know. Anyway, later that night I got an email response from Jess. Here is what he wrote me and underneath that is my response. After that, I went to bed. I have so far heard nothing from him since.

Here is what Jess wrote:

Wow --

That was a long time ago! That's amazing. Can you believe how much time has passed? Hey, I need to be sure you know that I love you just the way you are. I was feeling nostalgic tonight, too. Maybe it's because I have a full stomach for the first time in a few days. Whatever the reason, I love that Steve who was in the park. I love that Steve who is emotional. I love that Steve who redesigned -- I mean re-architected my apartment. You are an amazing guy, Steve (I know this is the part where you say "but here it comes...") and no matter what, I hope you want to be in my life forever.

I have to go to bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I'm just a little overwhelmed by emotions at the moment. Was feeling down about having no kids and junk like that. Man, I'm on a roll tonight!

Anyway, sweet dreams!


I responded with:


It's late.  I watched the movie Doubt.  You are right, it was very good and also very sad.

To make matters worse, I just read your email and now I'm even sadder. You wrote "and no matter what, I hope you want to be in my life forever."  I think it's the "no matter what" part that tears at my heart, I'm smart enough to know what that means.

Jess, no matter what, I will be in your life forever!!

I wish for you a peaceful and restful night sleep and hope you awake feeling healthy and happy with a positive outlook.

You are my best friend!

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