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Monday, July 19, 2010

My Dad Is Still In The Hospital & I Told Jess Again That I Was Done!!

I haven't written since Friday. I have been really busy. As you know, my Dad was rushed to the hospital last Wednesday. It was his gallbladder. It was not able to be removed with minimally invasive laparoscopic surgery. Because his gallbladder was gangrenous, he had to have it's removal the old fashioned way via a 7" cut on his side just above his stomach. He is still in the hospital and because of complications he will most likely be there till the end of this week. I won't go into it but we are all praying and keeping our fingers crossed that he recovers swiftly without further incident.

Jess was amazing. He called and texted and emailed numerous times a day. He was concerned and always asking how I was.

Jess arrived back in NYC from his trip he took he took last week back home to the Midwest. He got back Saturday night. Yesterday was a rough day with my Dad and by 6:00 pm I had to leave the hospital to clear my head. I had been there all day since early morning. I've been going of course each and everyday for hours and hours.

I felt sad and very down. I called Jess. Jess had told me that his brother that was also visiting with his family back home was coming to stay with him Sunday till Tuesday before heading back to Europe. As I was saying, I called Jess a few times and he called me back. Being sad and down I talked to Jess about missing him. He really didn't respond that well to that and kind of hurried me off the phone telling me that he and his brother were heading out to a movie. I would have loved for him to ask me to go but of course he didn't. I haven't seen Jess since that fateful night in mid June. You know the night that I am talking about (closet night when I emptied his shelves, etc.)
I spent hours wandering the city. Thinking about my Dad, Jess and a lot of things. At 10:00 pm I called Jess again and he didn't answer. I sent him a text at 10:20 pm and then followed that up with a phone call again. He answered. We spoke for 45 minutes. I had to tell him how I was feeling. I was sad. I was upset because of my Dad and because of him and because of a lot of things. I told him that I missed him. I asked him if I could see him soon and he said that he will see me when he is ready! I didn't like that answer, but I was calm and relaxed and asked him if he will ever see me again and if he doesn't plan on seeing me to just fucking do the right thing and tell me and cut me loose. He told me that he can't tell me when he will be ready to see me but again he said that he will see me on his terms and only his terms. He said that he wants me to continue writing him and he will give me his one email response. I told him that I can't do that anymore. I told him that I can't be a fucking pussy, pathetic fag running after him especially when he doesn't even give me a clue as to when he will see me, if ever! He told me "of course I will see you again but on my terms."  He kept saying that. I told him I needed to move on and I need to stop writing and calling him because its too unfair. I told him that he was too hard on me and that he needs to just get over what I did because I have been punished long enough for what I did. He told me that's up to him to decide and that he doesn't believe me when I say that I am moving on and not going to contact him. He told me just like I have done many times before, I will not contact him for three days and then I will be back to writing, calling or texting him! Ugh, what a cocky son of a bitch! I asked him if he missed me and he didn't want to answer. I asked him again and he refused to answer. But he did tell me that he has many memories of me all over his apartment and when he is out on the streets on NYC he thinks of me often from seeing so many things that remind him of me. He said he had to cut the call short because again, he wanted to spend some time before bed with his brother. He told me we can talk about this tomorrow. I told him that we won't because I AM NOT CONTACTING YOU! He didn't take that seriously. We said goodnight, calmly and hung up. I didn't contact him today at all! I am not going to contact him. I know he misses me. I know he is playing a fucking game with me! I know he is punishing me in the worst way that he knows, I know that he thinks that I will call him or write. I WON'T! FUCK HIM ALREADY!!!  By the way... he wrote me and called and texted everyday up to yesterday inquiring about my dad and telling me he was worried and concerned about me. Today, I didn't hear one thing from him. What happened to the concerned guy who cared so much about me and my dad? FUCKING HYPOCRITE!

I am going to hold off as best as I can and NOT call him. Let him wonder. Is Steve done? And yes, of course I love him. More then anything, still! Always!! And he knows it!

1 comment:

drew said...

Steve, sorry about the complications with your father. I hope he is on the road to recovery and will be going home soon. Put Jess out of your mind. It's too hard to deal with your Dad and him. Hang in there..