I saw Jess on the street Tuesday night, about two blocks from his apartment building as I was heading north up 3rd Ave. I saw him in front of me about sixty or so feet. I was so happy to see him and glad that he stopped when I called his name out. But I was so disappointed when all he did was smile, shake my hand when I extended mine towards him and then he said he had to go. I cried for an hour that night. I miss him and had hoped that if I ever ran into him (its been early June since I have seen him) it would have been better then that.
Anyway, yesterday, Mary told me that Jess and she spoke for about 4 minutes during an instant message conversation at work. She was excited, I guess, for me and asked him, "so I heard you saw Steve". And Jess's response was, "yeah, what was he doing on 3rd Ave.?" Mary, shocked, responded, "what are you talking about... he was heading uptown". Jess then told Mary that a friend of his saw me down around 3rd Ave. a few weeks ago too. Again, Mary defended me (or so she says) that Steve is all over the city and 3rd Ave. is a major street on the east side and its crazy for you to ask that. Jess then ended the instant message conversation and said he had a meeting to go to.
I am so fucking upset. I thought there was chance that Jess was feeling good about me especially since he told Mary last Friday that he thinks about me and feels we can be friends again one day. This makes me feel awful! Does he think I'm fucking stalking him? This is the first time I have seen him since early June! I am all over the city! What is wrong with him! I am so afraid that this sets us back and that he hates me again and that anything good he said about me last Friday to Mary doesn't count anymore. I couldn't sleep last night. I have tons of anxiety over this.
Last night when Mary told me this, I was so upset that I couldn't control my emotions. I told Mary that this is crazy and asked why is he treating me this way? I told her that I won't go anywhere near the east side of Manhattan anymore if that makes Jess happy. I really don't want him to think I am stalking and if he feels that I am then I will stay out of the area east of 5th Ave north or 14th St and south of 34th St. She told me that I was crazy to say or to think that. She says Jess is the one who is being unfair. I told her that maybe she shouldn't even be friends with me (remember, she was Jess's friend first - he knows her five years, and I met her last winter from him) unless Jess gives her a green light to do so! I don't want Jess to get angry with her and he is obviously giving her grief about things regarding me. She was sad to hear me say all this and thought that it was a stupid thing for me to say. But I am afraid of getting Jess more angry with me and driving him further away. My hope was for him to reach out and accept me again, but I am not sure if he can do that anymore. He seems like one minute he says he cares about me (says to Mary) and the next minute he seems to hate and despise me for anything I do.
Here is an email that Mary wrote to me late last night after she told me about what Jess had said about running into me and after my reaction was overwhelming sadness... again!
---Steve:
I am writing you and I hope you read this. Don't you dare stop your life and what you do in it because of Jess. You go where you want to when you want to. He doesn't own this city. You are doing so great at your own life - why in the world would you allow him to dictate that?? I am SO VERY PROUD to be your friend and I won't let people tell me who I can or can't be friends with. I know you worry about me and feel you are doing this for my sake but you don't have to. I stand up for myself and you need to do the same thing. The heck with everything else! You stand up for yourself and I stand with you.
---Mary
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