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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It's Complicated!

Everyone is telling me to "snap out of this" and "it's time" and "forget him already" but the truth of the matter is, easier said then done. I am trying my best. But its more than just a break-up with someone I loved or a loss of a best friend.. It's the harsh way it ended without even a conversation or a discussion or an explanation. I got an email saying goodbye. And all I can think is did you ever love me Jess as you always said you did? Was I as important to you as you always said I was? You said that you can't combine love and sex and that sex with someone you love is something you can't really wrap your brain around. You've said to me that sex is supposed to be (for you) with strangers and that you needed to learn that sex with someone you love is the way it should be - but can't be for you. Is this what drove you away?
(Read all about it and more, after the JUMP)
Is your silence and avoidance of me for 10 months because of this or deeper issues of you feeling you don't deserve happiness? You always said that all your other boyfriends in your life lasted only 2 months maximum and that with me it was different. You always said I was special and that you'd love me forever. Jess, I'm in pain - I don't know what happened. You told Mary in early February that had I not attempted to contact you with emails and texts and phone messages (I was heartbroken Jess, and I wanted to know what was going on. You did this to me  4 months after we met; ignored me for 6 weeks and my attempts to call you to speak to you finally got you to respond) and Christmas gifts (all gestures of love and friendship and concern and not understanding what was going on this time) that you would have called or emailed me by now (early February) and we would have been friends. Your final email to me Jess, in late July never said not to reach out to you. I was only doing what my heart told me to do. So since February, I haven't called or texted or emailed at all. Does that mean you will reach out to me soon? Will we ever be friends Jess? Will I ever know what happened?

1 comment:

Dale W. said...

This is the mindset you're now stuck in, dearest; and this is the mindset you need to break. People saying it's time to lift your head up, or start moving on with your life simply generates another blog post of the same outpourings from you. And that's fine, it's your blog, and it's your absolute right to post them. However it's just raking over the same ground again and again looking for answers that simply aren't there. And I think they'll never be there, no matter how many times you return to the same place and look for them.

Of course it's not easy. It wouldn't be the same experience if it was easy; it would give less value to the good times and make the bad times hurt a lot less. But that, my friend, is the chance you take, falling in love and having a relationship. It ended badly, and for that I'm truly sorry, but life doesn't stop, standing around waiting for you to find your feet again. It moves on and it's up to you to find your feet again and follow it. If you stay sat down moping for too long, it becomes it's own purpose, and a pit that becomes ever harder to escape from. and the one person who can't see it... is you, sat in a puddle of despair and self-loathing.

It's time to stand up, love. It's time to remember who YOU are, and to realise that not everything is going to give you the answers you want or like.

I was most heartened to read you've started going out to bars - who cares about the state of them - in order to get some life and excitement back into your veins. I really hope you carry on doing this, it sounds good that you're talking to people, having converations and even going further. They're steps to being able to see the amazing, shining you that you've lost sight of because a relationship didn't work.

No-one's asking you to forget. It would be insane to. But I think you're being prompted to introduce a little perspective on these things, and to remember that life is still there to be lived, and it's passing you by. Sitting in a puddle of your own depression does nothing but give you a cold wet arse.

You are liked, loved and cared for. Go grab the world - you're amazing and deserve it.