Spoke With Mary Last Night

I took everyones advice and I called Mary last night. She answered and we spoke. For some reason she understood completely why I have kept my distance. She said she hasn't spoken to Jess since a few days after his birthday party when she emailed him and got no response. I explained to her that Jess most likely treats her the way he does and now again is ignoring her because of me. He is probably annoyed and angry that she told me where his birthday party was being held. In my opinion, I felt that sending him three bottles of champagne and having a unique appetizer made (that isn't on the menu) for him and his party is not something that he or anyone can "hate" me or hate anyone for. I did it anonymously as I already wrote. No one there new what was happening or about my gift. He was only told (later from the restaurant owner) that it had been a gift from an anonymous friend. I was told (by the restaurant owner) that he had a big smile and said "I know who it is." It was done for love and out of love and done for someone who was once my best friend on his 40th, the biggest birthday of his life. Okay so he hates me more for it and hates Mary for telling me where the party was. What can I do. I am used to the sadness and used to him hating me. But seeing Mary as sad as me - knowing its my fault is really hard. Also, I told her that her support as a friend over this entire Jess situation does not help or even feel good. She has her own issues with Jess and it compounds my issues with Jess and quite honestly never lets or helps me feel good, feel hopeful or even heal. She understands what I told her and has said she will do anything that I decide, even if it means no longer talk with me. That response still leads me to believe that I am better off without her because she is still on her binge that Jess thinks of her as "the fat, short, ugly girl" (her words, not mine, and going back again to speaking and hanging out with her will drag me down, and simply give me a partner to cry and commiserate with about Jess. I don't want that and although its what I've been doing, I really want to move forward. We'll see what happens; I'll let you all know.