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Monday, May 23, 2011

People Think I'm Happy And Content; Down Inside, I'm A Mess!

Lately, as you may already know, I go to this sleazy, dive of a gay bar. The few people (friends) that I tell that I am going there, laugh at me and ask me "how can you go to that dirty joint?" I don't know why, but I am comfortable there. Sure the bathrooms are small and dirty but I don't go into the bathroom for dinner. I take a leak, flush and then exit. But the people are nice, friendly, all are there for one thing, I guess sex. Me, thats not why I go. I don't go for sex. I go to talk and boost my hurt ego (from yes, Jess). I go to feel easy and comfortable and I go to make a move to "get out" and not sit and mope. Its been 10 months. I am tired of crying all alone in my home. Tired of seeing a sad movie or TV show or even commercial that immediately causes me to well up with emotion and almost always mutter out loud... "I miss you Jess - I love you". So I've been meeting a lot of people. Quality people you ask? Who am I to say. They are nice enough and at times they even act as if they like me and want me around. I don't talk to them about Jess. I can't - I won't. (Read all about it and more, after the JUMP)
I have met one guy. I wrote about him last week. He is the guy I met from another guy that I met at a bar weeks earlier. He is Latin - isn't everyone these days? He is sweet, he is nice and he just got out of a relationship (one week ago). He is the guy I went bicycling through Central Park with and had dinner with last Sunday (a week ago). He's nice enough. We played a little. Well more then a little but didn't go all the way. Thats something I rarely do, especially with someone I just met. I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but its just not something that I need to do, at least early on and especially not when I just meet someone. There are a lot of other things to do to keep me and (whoever I'm with) satisfied. His name is Marco (I will call him Marco #1 as you will soon read why). So remember that name, maybe not for too long as I don't know what if anything will come of it. I saw him and the other friend that introduced me to him, last night. They asked me to join them bar hopping but I had made plans already with a third guy I met at the dive bar (a few nights earlier) to meet him back at the same bar later on Saturday night. I went (alone) for a quick bite to eat at 8PM and they Marco #1 and my friend who introduced me to him - sheesh, he has the same name so lets call him Marco #2 (told you that you would soon find out why I have to call them #1 and #2). They came to where I was eating and we had dinner and then we went on our own ways. When I was at the dive bar, talking to the guy I had plans to meet, (Dave), the two Marco's, #1 and #2 showed up there to surprise me. They came with two other guys. One was a friend of Marco #1's who I had never met and his friend. I loved the attention - Marco #1's friends friend liked me. He might have been drunk but he kept telling me how hot I was and how he wanted to spend time with me. I actually liked it when he kept blurting out to everyone, especially, Marco #2 (my bicycle buddy) that he thought I was fucking hot and he liked me and wanted to "get with me". Okay, I know thats not a great compliment because "getting with me" means have sex with me and does not mean getting to know me or go out for dinner, etc. But, like I said, these days I love the attention. I need to forget all the bad thats happened and still happens regarding Jess. Let me not get into that right now - but I'm sure, it will slip out of me again in a few minutes. Anyway, after busting my balls for 20 minutes as to how I can hang there, they left. I didn't want to go to the bar they were heading to. I stayed put, talked with Dave and looked around at the trashy dancers and the so-called "horny and getting desperate to hook-up barfly's." For some reason, I temporarily either forget my sadness or maybe I just love the attention, it's good medicine (albeit temporary)  when 21 year old boys come up to me and flirt or when 65 year old college professors ask to buy me drinks (I always politely so no - not a big drinker and I can buy my own if I do) and compliment my body as they feel my pecs. I like when people double take as they walk past me to the bathroom, smile and say hello and then turn around 3 times as they walk into the pee soaked 2x2 room. I like how they come back as they exit and try to start up conversation. I'm always friendly - I like people. I also like the attention - I also need to forget my pain. God, I'm a mess inside. It's weird how people tell me how together I am. One guy even told me that he can see in my eyes that I am a truly "together, secure and happy person." Oh please! Yeah, thats me! Today (Sunday), I stayed home. Felt lonely. But I had a lot to do. I have a big appointment tomorrow at 1PM and needed to do a lot of prep work for it. But for some reason; well, I know the reason... I just feel awfully lonely. I miss being in love. I miss Jess. I miss having some one love me - I don't think anyone really does... at least not in the way Jess and I loved one another (or the way I thought he did). I fucking miss my boyfriend, my best friend. And I get so low thinking that he could never have loved me as he said he did. He acted as if and told me that he loved me so much. But how could he hurt me like this. And God, how could you... God... let me keep suffering like this for so long. I am trying so hard to get on with my life and to go out and meet many new people but God, why are you not letting me heal. God, why do I ache all the time. I miss my friend so much. Even as I sit here typing, I feel tears welling in my eyes and a pit deepening in my throat and sadness taking over me. Please, God, let me heal!!!  Please help me heal! I hope you hear me God! Let me end this now. By the way, I still have not communicated with Mary since almost two weeks ago. She writes me mundane, safe, uneventful emails and wonders where I am and if I read them. Kind of reminiscent of what I used to wonder when I wrote Jess all the time. I do miss her but I still need to stay away. More to come on her (Mary) as details emerge but nothing really going on with her. Funny, I guess I am getting what I deserve, as she doesn't write a word to me about Jess. So, good night everyone. I will write more soon. I wish I could tell you happy things but this is my forum where I am supposed to be honest... so you get  the  truth and the reality of it all. Thats what its all about, no? Sleep in peace everyone.

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