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Friday, June 17, 2011

One Year Anniversary Since I Have Seen Jess

Yesterday, June 16th, was the one year anniversary of my stupid, fateful argument with Jess, where his antics, issues, dissatisfaction with me, and behavior made me lose my cool. My pent-up frustration led to me trashing his closet, remember? This was the last night since I have seen Jess. Although he didn't write me that horrible and heartbreaking (the crux of my sadness) email saying goodbye, have a nice life, for another month still, it was the last time I saw him. Cut to last night. I met Marco #1 for a quick bite to eat at around 9:30pm. As we spoke, he could hear that I was bothered by something. I guess the attitude of anger (not at him) but at people, relationships and at being a gay man in NYC slipped out of me and came across loud and clear. He knew something was up. He kept saying, "What is wrong?" and "Is this about Jess?" We finished our quick dinner and I walked him to the subway before I went home. We talked - somewhat continuing my calm but obvious dissatisfaction with the sorry state of relationships and men with issues. I could feel my eyes well-up. He looked at me and I could see his eyes were deep with concern after hearing (indirectly) my acting out and seeing now my sadness in my face. We stopped walking and he looked at me, his eyes were welling-up as well and he was feeling my pain. I just lost it. Right there on 6th Av I started to cry (of course silently and being sure that NO ONE would see). I think I repeated three times "I never got the chance to say goodbye to him."  He put his arms around me. The incident lasted all of 60 seconds. I composed myself and we continued on to the subway. When we got to the 14th St subway stairs, I said goodnight. Thirty minutes later, I got two text messages from him saying, "I feel terrible that there is nothing I can do to ease your pain," and, "I am glad that we are friends."  He is a good man!

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