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Saturday, July 2, 2011

I Finally Wrote Jess An Email... Of Course I Didn't Get A Response.

It's already Saturday, July 2, 2011. Time is zipping along. This past week was, well... somewhat difficult. I think I wrote in my last post that Jess is moving out of NYC sometime in late July - early August. Gone for good. He is leaving his current position with his job for a newer one, apparently more money and prestige or maybe the right word is... more impressive on his resume. I don't know shit about it of course; all I know is what good 'ole Mary told me. I will admit that since she told me about it, I've been super sadder then usual. Another friend of mine told me, "Whats the difference if he doesn't speak to you from here in NYC or from the Middle East where he is headed for two or three years - same shit, no?" And, my friend continued, "If he wants to speak to you from either here in NYC or Middle East, he has the same email, telephone or texting options." I guess that's true. But, my heart still aches; I need fucking closure! He hasn't called, texted or written and emailed or even seen or spoken to me since last summer. This has got to be more then him just hating me - he can't possibly hate me like this. It's got to be something else going on in his head. According to Mary, he isn't dating anyone (how the fuck does she know - I'm sure he is doing alright!). I just want him to be happy! I'm serious; as fucked up as that sounds I only want Jess to be happy or happier then he's been. If he was seeing someone, he'd be happier and maybe then he wouldn't hold such contempt for me. I actually feel bad that he feels that he needs to leave NYC, a city that he has grown to love where he has an amazing apartment - no, really, it's a fucking incredible place to move to the Middle East? Somethings got to be up or I'm just worried that he isn't happy. My friend tells me "What the fuck are you worried about his happiness when he has ignored you for all this time without a care at all about your sadness, heartbreak and misery." True, but I feel as I feel and I can't change how I feel.

I haven't reached out to him since early February. Except for buying him the three bottles of champagne and an appetizer ($400.00) for his 40th birthday party he made for himself at a Lower East Side restaurant. No, I didn't grandstand his party. Like I told you all, I simply told the owner to bring it out with the other food and tell him quietly it was from an anonymous friend. That was it. Of course I never heard from him about it. But, again, I got some sort of stupid peace of mind that the restaurant manager said that he smiled really big and said "I know who it is."  Thank God he smiled, wouldn't hate cause him to grimace!

So, four days ago, I finally left a quick voice message on his phone and wrote him a follow-up email. I just needed to. I didn't say a word about knowing that he was leaving the country this month (or next). I hope you all understand that I wrote this because I care and will always care about him and no matter where he goes; I will always remember him as the friend I loved and even as my boyfriend that I loved a tremendous amount.

Anyway (as I always say) off to meet my friend Tim who just bought a new camera in Union Square. I need to get one too. Have a great day everyone!

1 comment:

drew said...

I think it is best that he is leaving NY. I think you can have some closure. What will you do with Mary?? I think she will fade into the woodwork.. Her main interest was Jess anyway.. Have a good 4th!!