I Have A Question Or Two! Can Someone Honestly Answer This?

I think I already know the answer to this, but maybe someone who isn't so close to Jess as I am can clearly answer this for me again.

• Why does Jess still want to communicate with me? If he was really finished with me and doesn't care about me anymore, then WHY DOES HE STILL CALL ME, TEXT ME AND EMAIL ME but tells me that he is angry for what I did and isn't yet ready to see me?
• Why does Jess (or should I say, why did Jess, he stopped as of Sunday, after our Sunday night telephone call when I told him that I wasn't going to contact him again) care about me and my dad? He wrote me everyday, numerous times telling me that he was worried and concerned about my dad and about ME?
• When I told Jess that I was not going to call him anymore or email him, he kind of smirked and said, "okay, that will last three days before you write or contact me again."  I get that! My past actions have proven that I need him and can't get over him. But, why doesn't he just totally move on?

I love Jess, and want him in my life. I honesty feel that Jess cares about me. I don't know how much he does but I feel it, I feel something in him cares about me. I am NOT going to call him or write. Is this the right thing to do?

Does Jess really feel in his mind that I did such a terrible thing that night (yell at him and come to his apartment and take back the stuff I gave him and empty the closet shelf that I organized - keep in mind, the very next day, I spent twice as much and re-bought him all new things to replace what I took back, broke, etc. I even got him a few more things just to let him know how sorry I was!) that he really, truly and sincerely needs time (its been over 4 weeks) to get past it or to finish punishing me?

My Dad Is Still In The Hospital & I Told Jess Again That I Was Done!!

I haven't written since Friday. I have been really busy. As you know, my Dad was rushed to the hospital last Wednesday. It was his gallbladder. It was not able to be removed with minimally invasive laparoscopic surgery. Because his gallbladder was gangrenous, he had to have it's removal the old fashioned way via a 7" cut on his side just above his stomach. He is still in the hospital and because of complications he will most likely be there till the end of this week. I won't go into it but we are all praying and keeping our fingers crossed that he recovers swiftly without further incident.

Jess was amazing. He called and texted and emailed numerous times a day. He was concerned and always asking how I was.

Jess arrived back in NYC from his trip he took he took last week back home to the Midwest. He got back Saturday night. Yesterday was a rough day with my Dad and by 6:00 pm I had to leave the hospital to clear my head. I had been there all day since early morning. I've been going of course each and everyday for hours and hours.

I felt sad and very down. I called Jess. Jess had told me that his brother that was also visiting with his family back home was coming to stay with him Sunday till Tuesday before heading back to Europe. As I was saying, I called Jess a few times and he called me back. Being sad and down I talked to Jess about missing him. He really didn't respond that well to that and kind of hurried me off the phone telling me that he and his brother were heading out to a movie. I would have loved for him to ask me to go but of course he didn't. I haven't seen Jess since that fateful night in mid June. You know the night that I am talking about (closet night when I emptied his shelves, etc.)

I spent hours wandering the city. Thinking about my Dad, Jess and a lot of things. At 10:00 pm I called Jess again and he didn't answer. I sent him a text at 10:20 pm and then followed that up with a phone call again. He answered. We spoke for 45 minutes. I had to tell him how I was feeling. I was sad. I was upset because of my Dad and because of him and because of a lot of things. I told him that I missed him. I asked him if I could see him soon and he said that he will see me when he is ready! I didn't like that answer, but I was calm and relaxed and asked him if he will ever see me again and if he doesn't plan on seeing me to just fucking do the right thing and tell me and cut me loose. He told me that he can't tell me when he will be ready to see me but again he said that he will see me on his terms and only his terms. He said that he wants me to continue writing him and he will give me his one email response. I told him that I can't do that anymore. I told him that I can't be a fucking pussy, pathetic fag running after him especially when he doesn't even give me a clue as to when he will see me, if ever! He told me "of course I will see you again but on my terms."  He kept saying that. I told him I needed to move on and I need to stop writing and calling him because its too unfair. I told him that he was too hard on me and that he needs to just get over what I did because I have been punished long enough for what I did. He told me that's up to him to decide and that he doesn't believe me when I say that I am moving on and not going to contact him. He told me just like I have done many times before, I will not contact him for three days and then I will be back to writing, calling or texting him! Ugh, what a cocky son of a bitch! I asked him if he missed me and he didn't want to answer. I asked him again and he refused to answer. But he did tell me that he has many memories of me all over his apartment and when he is out on the streets on NYC he thinks of me often from seeing so many things that remind him of me. He said he had to cut the call short because again, he wanted to spend some time before bed with his brother. He told me we can talk about this tomorrow. I told him that we won't because I AM NOT CONTACTING YOU! He didn't take that seriously. We said goodnight, calmly and hung up. I didn't contact him today at all! I am not going to contact him. I know he misses me. I know he is playing a fucking game with me! I know he is punishing me in the worst way that he knows, I know that he thinks that I will call him or write. I WON'T! FUCK HIM ALREADY!!!  By the way... he wrote me and called and texted everyday up to yesterday inquiring about my dad and telling me he was worried and concerned about me. Today, I didn't hear one thing from him. What happened to the concerned guy who cared so much about me and my dad? FUCKING HYPOCRITE!

I am going to hold off as best as I can and NOT call him. Let him wonder. Is Steve done? And yes, of course I love him. More then anything, still! Always!! And he knows it!

My Long Email I Wrote To Jess Tonight! ...And No I Didn't Back Down From My Position!

After receiving two emails from Jess, one last night and one Saturday night, I decided to write him a decent email tonight. I decided to do this for a few reasons. My reasons are below:

1. I told him nicely on Friday night that I was moving on and no longer going to keep in touch with him, unless he reached out to me. Which he did and he did for two nights in a row without any response from me. I do want to make my point with him that I won't allow myself to be used as a doormat anymore, but I also don't want to push him away. Lets not forget that I love him more then anything... I just don't want to be his fool or someone he feels he can manipulate. That aspect is over!
2. Early this morning I wrote him a two sentence email thanking him for his emails from the last few days. I decided that wasn't enough unless I want to give Jess the idea that I am done, for good! Truth is I am done for good with being a fucking fool, but if Jess can gain and maintain the respect that I deserve then I am not going to play games and/or hard to get. It's simple, respect me as I respect you and we can be friends and/or see where that takes us.
3. The email I wrote him tonight was long -- yes I agree. But if you read it carefully, it still stands firm on what I expect and how I feel about things without being rude, abrasive or even finger pointing.

Let me know what you think. I am pretty confident that Jess will write me tonight as well. Wouldn't that be funny if he doesn't? Yeah, a fucking riot! Here is the email I wrote Jess tonight. Oh, and by the way, I just started an Advanced English Comp.class.

Click on the Jump below to read the email I sent to Jess tonight:

What The Fuck! Jess Wrote Me An Email Tonight As If He Never Heard My Voice Message Or Got My "Goodbye Email" Last Night!

I talked to a friend Al tonight. He told me pretty clearly that what Jess has been doing to me these last weeks and even months is plain and simple...ABUSIVE! He told me that although I love him, Jess is fucking nuts! No one treats someone as he has treated you, my friend told me. Al also told me that Jess knows that he can call the shots and tell me what to do and when to do it because he knows that I won't stand up to him. My friend told me that I have been a fucking doormat! And that Jess knows I am a doormat and feels he can continue to treat me like shit and I will take it.

Well, not any more! I wrote in my blog that last night, I left Jess a voice message telling him that I had enough and that I was done writing email updates for him and done with being allowed only one email response from him per day and done not being able to see him or call him or text him and done with being a total doormat with no self esteem to move on when someone obviously is treating me so badly. I didn't actually say all that in the voice message verbatim but I made it clear that I was done with the treatment that I was getting and that I was moving on. I also sent him and email (which I put on my blog in the last entry for you all to read) where I nicely said that I loved him but I was moving on... I had enough.

My friend (Al) told me that I finally did the right thing. It will make Jess think perhaps. Jess is home in the quiet and simple Midwest and staying in his Mom and Dad's house and awaiting his brothers and sister for a big family reunion. I hope he thinks about the way he has treated me and realized that he is not only abusive but rude, immature and arrogant. (I decided to leave out the words fucked up and sick in the head).

That being said, of course I'm sad that its all over. I know that Jess most likely won't ever reach out to me. Or do I?

Guess who wrote me tonight? That's right... Jess!!!!! And he wrote me as if nothing had happened and as if he didn't get my email or voice mail (which I know he did). I mean, he sent me an email tonight from the same account that I sent the email to last night. Okay, so am I going to respond to his email tonight? NO FUCKING WAY. I am not playing games but I will respond when and if Jess ever writes to tell me that he is sorry for how he has treated me and lets me believe that things will change for the better. Do I need him to tell me he loves me and wants me back as his boyfriend? No and I'm sure that he will never say that, I just want equal respect and to be treated the same way I treat him (except for my bad when I lost my temper :-).

Stay tuned. I'm sure this isn't quite over yet!

Here is the email Jess sent me tonight. It's not what it says that is so interesting. Its that he wrote me after I told him that I was moving on. Take a look below and let me know what you think! Click on the Jump below to read the email that Jess sent me tonight at 11:46 pm (10:46 pm CT).

I Made The Move And Told Jess I Was Done And Moving On! I Have To Stick With This!

I have been writing emails and texts and leaving voice messages to Jess for a little bit over three weeks now (since I lost my cool in his apartment that Friday night back in mid June).  Yes, Jess had agreed after a week or so to speak with me but only in an occasional telephone call that he controlled (meaning when he wanted to call me or when he felt like he wanted to answer the phone when I called him). I think in the last three weeks he has taken two or three of my calls and he himself has called me two or three times as well.

By the way, the cartoon (in this post) is just a cartoon! I would never, ever touch or hit Jess or anyone! Just wanted to set the record straight.

He has told me a number of times that he wants me to continue sending him my one "update email" every day for him to read. He has said that he would guarantee me a written email response every day if I kept writing him. His rules were that I could write him or text him or call him as much as I wanted to but he was only obligated to respond with one written email per day. And yes, he has always responded with that one email every day. Sometimes his email responses (as I call them) come in very late, 1:00 am or 2:00 am.

Whenever I ask him when I can see him because I miss him so much, he ususally ignores that request. I can write him about five or six important things in my life which are going on and he cherry picks what he wants to respond about. Sometimes he totally ignores what I have written and just generically responds with a "hello, hope all is well" email.  I always know that writing him and asking him when can I see him or about telling him that I miss him will always be ignored.

Funny, the other day I mentioned in one of my emails that I missed him a lot. I also wrote that he probably will ignore that comment as he has anytime that I ever have mentioned it or asked him about whether or not he ever misses me. But in his "response email" he wrote that "yes, I do miss you."  How pathetic am I that reading that in his email made me happy for the day!

Whenever I call him he never answers the phone.  He never responds to my texts or my emails (except for the one that he is required to send as per his agreement with me).

He has told me that he cares about me and that he wants me in his life and that he was hurt by what I did three weeks ago by trashing his closet and taking back or throwing out the things that I gave him or lent him. But, I have apologized, replaced everything I took with new and mostly better versions of the same exact things that I took or threw out and literally begged for forgiveness. He has told me that he has to ease back into being my friend on his terms and not mine. Click on the jump below to read the rest, as well as read Jess's regularly scheduled one-a-day emails to me and my final email to him!

I Love You Jess - When Can I See You Again?

Dear Jess,

I miss you so much.  It's been almost three weeks since I lost my cool and lost you. It's been even longer then that since I've seen you and we smiled together and enjoyed one another. I miss you more then you can ever know.  I love you so much Jess. When can I see you again?

Babyface : When Can I See You Again

Mary Really Fucked Up Tonight Big Time! And Yes It Involves Me & Jess!

This is really fucked up. As most of you know, Jess and I are working through our "situation". Jess and I communicate by email everyday, sometimes even a few times a day. We also text and every once in a while we will talk on the phone. He has told me that he cares about me but was so freaked out about what I did with his closet (oy vay already!) that he needs time to get over it wants to get to know me all over again. How fucking weird is this dude. But I fucking love him so I am playing as always by his rules. Eventually he feels that we will be together as best or as very good friends and well who knows what. It hasn't been easy for me to say the least. I have been paling around with Mary. She fucking loves Jess and if Jess wasn't gay she'd be all over his pecker. Click on the jump below to read what whacked out shit Mary pulled on me tonight and all because she is wet for Jess!

It Was A Difficult And Emotional Weekend! Some Progress To Report About Jess And I.

Sorry I haven't written in a few days (since last Thursday). Needless to say, it was a really rough weekend. Things with Jess and I are creeping along. I haven't seen him but have spoken to him on the telephone twice. The first call as discussed in my blog last Thursday was "nice enough" but definitely we are damaged. The second call which took place on Saturday was tough. Jess was harsh and tough but I was waiting for that "real Jess" to kick in.  Regardless, we have made some progress. Although he is not ready to see me, he and I are in frequent email and text message contact. We communicate with each other that way at least a few times a day. I am happy for that.

A Ray of Sunlight and Hope Regarding Jess

I will write a longer blog entry and fill you all in on the details later today. Stay with me people! I love knowing you are out there and please, please, please, continue responding to my POLLS and continue with your comments.

Really Emotional And Difficult Phone Call With Mary Last Night!

Tuesday night, I kept on diving deeper into my sadness, remorse and difficulty with realizing that Jess doesn't want to and most likely never will speak to me again. I guess my crime of emptying the two or three shelves in his closet was so despicable that I have been sent to a place where Jess never has to deal with me again.

Mary has been texting (3 times), calling (once) and emailing (once) since Sunday. She says each time that she is worried and actually she uses the word "they" are worried about me.  So Tuesday night, I decided that it was best to call her. If I kept not responding to her and then eventually she speaks to me day or even weeks later, she could very well be so annoyed that I let her worry that it would be another problem for me to deal with. Plus Jess would be even more pissed that I let them worry.  In other words, when they (she) don't hear from me, they are concerned, but if I am fine and they (she) don't hear from me, then they would be pissed.  Do you get that?

I called Mary. She was happy to hear from me and she told me that Jess will be thrilled to hear that I am okay. I guess they thought I was going to "do myself in" based on how bad and low I feel. Let them think what they want, but I would never do that. My cousin killed himself with a gunshot to the head about a month or so ago (I blogged about it) and it was not only so sad, but such a waste! Mary was kind of "tough love" with me. She kept saying that Jess doesn't hate me. He is concerned. The confusing part is that she says that Jess says that he would do anything for me to help me feel better. But when I ask her that all I want is for him to speak with me, she tells me that he says he can't do that now. We spoke for twenty minutes and she could hear that I am a mess. I think she knows that Jess is hard, a difficult guy but as I have long said, Mary loves Jess and supports his every move.

I asked Mary to please call Jess and ask him to please call me and talk to me, even if for a few minutes. I literally asked her (begged) to tell Jess that I am sorry and to please forgive me. She called him. He said that the only way he would speak/see me was if I went to a therapist and began therapy for all this sadness that I feel. I couldn't believe that Jess would tell her that. I was floored. I went to therapy (because of Jess) for almost five months with Peter. I did that because of Jess as well. It was useless and Peter possibly wasn't the right therapist and I gained nothing from our talks, so I left.

Jess is telling Mary that he is concerned about me. He hears from Mary that I am so sad and distraught over what has happened. He tells her that he wants to help me, but only will talk to me if I agree. Yes, I agree. Mary was so sad for me that I am in this position. She must really think that I am either a really big piece of shit or possibly she must really be shocked that I allow Jess to think of me as such.

Regardless, I have not heard from Jess at all yet. No texts, no emails, no telephone call, no NOTHING!

Today is the day that the blinds that I ordered for him are to be shipped to his apartment via UPS according to the tracking number. I paid for those blinds for him -- he never payed me back. I chose them and even measured them for him! How can he come home from work tonight and get the package and open it knowing that I am so sick over all of this. How can anyone be able to standby and watch someone they use to love suffer so much?

Here is the email I got late last night from Mary.

Steve-
I didn't mean to upset you with what Jess said. He genuinely wants to help you. I want to help you too. No one wants you in Bellevue; you are not crazy. But you're heartbroken and sad and it would only be a good thing to at least talk to someone who can help you see through this. All I want is for you to not be in pain anymore.  But that's a process and I want you to take a first step for me. I know you've been to a therapist before but this is a place to start. No pressure, no judgement, just you talking to somebody else who can help you understand why all this is happening. If you want me to I will go with you. I know you talk about dealing with all this yourself but that doesn't mean you have to be alone. Nobody has to be alone. You will never be alone or worthless as long as you have people who care. And I do care. I know I am just one person but I have faith in people and I have faith in you and I won't give up on you--ever. Please believe that, and believe in yourself. You are stronger than you feel right now. And you are more worthwhile and valuable than you can imagine. Please think about this. Please let me help, because I know if it were me you'd go to the ends of the world to help me and you wouldn't give up on me or let me give up on myself.  That's the Steve I love,
-Mary

Missing And Thinking About Jess. I Think I've Lost You Forever!

I miss you Jess, more then you can ever imagine. I'm so sorry for anything I did. I'm sorry that you were not able to love me the way I loved you. My heart is torn apart. My life is torn apart. I can't imagine how painful and lonely it will be to live my life without you being in it, with me. I know you know this, I will love you forever! You will always be with me Jess! I love you!

Evanescence - "My Immortal"

To Jess - I Will Love You For As Long As I Live! I Will Never Forget You!

Dedicated to my Jess, who I love more then anything in this world, and who I have most likely lost forever! I will miss you and love you forever! Please don't forget me - I will never forget you!

Simple Plan - "How Could This Happen To Me"

Spoke With Jess Late Last Night.

I knew it was just a matter of time before I finally spoke with Jess again. I hadn't spoken to him since that crazy, nasty ass conversation on the phone Saturday afternoon. He'd been trying to reach out and apologize to me since Sunday morning and by Monday night, I was ready to speak with him.

He sent me a text at around 11:00pm last night that said nothing more then this:

Hey -- just wanted to let you know I got over the big work stress today.

Even though there will still be stress ahead, this was a hurdle I'm thrilled

to be over!

And that was his text! He is so fixated on his job, wouldn't you say? I will give him this, that he does work long, hard hours, but I think he lets the stress and responsibility consume him.

I called him back after I got the text. He answered and was on his way home in a cab. We actually spoke on the phone for over an hour. We didn't dwell on what happened on the telephone Saturday, but he did apologize again and reiterated that he was "bad" with stress. No fucking kidding Jess!!!

We didn't get too deep on any one topic for too long. We talked about our friendship and our recent relationship and there were hints of conversation that eluded to it not being good, to it being good, to us being over and to us not yet being over. All very confusing.

I told him point blank that I never know what his mood will be and when he is interested in speaking with me and when he isn't.  So, I gave him my feelings that the best thing for me would be to not call him and simply have him call me when he was in the right frame of mind to talk with me. This way there would be no stress for him or me regarding speaking when he wasn't in the mood to speak (to me).

We left it at that. Said goodnight and hung up. So we will see how that goes. My opinion is that it won't go very well.  Does it ever?

Should I Feel Guilty? I Actually Do!

Jess sent me yet another early morning text today. I got it at 8:20am. I have not been answering or acknowledging his attempts to contact me. I guess I am feeling bad about that. I always hate it when Jess has ignored me in the past. It made me crazy with stress and anxiety and effected me deeply. Now, am I doing that to Jess?

Here is what Jess wrote this morning:

Hey--just checking in. Are you ok? The bottom line is that I do love and care about you. Part two is that I don't handle this kind of work stress well. I'm sorry that you got the brunt of that. So I'm worried. Even a blank text would be good. (End of text)

Here is my justification as to why I am not responding. Jess has treated me like shit, worse then shit for the past few weeks. He had told me that he loved me and wanted to be just my friend, but the way he treated me and acted towards me this past month (almost) was nothing close to the way you treat a friend, or a person you love.

I have tried so many times to reach out to him and let him know that I care and love him and hate what is happening to us but instead I got his abusive moods and hateful comments that made me feel like a pathetic loser that was hanging on to someone who couldn't give two shits about me.

Now, I'm staying away. Is it to teach him a lesson? I don't think so, I hope not. Instead, I hope it gives me back a bit of my dignity and drives home the message to Jess that I can't take it anymore and that if he cares about me, he needs to stop his abusive behavior. Something in his texts and phone messages lead me also to believe that Jess is just feeling guilty about that one phone call (Saturday) where he freaked out on me. Something tells me that he is worried that something might have happened to me, perhaps I got sick or did something foolish and he is feeling responsible. Once he hears that I am fine then he will go back to being the same Jess and we will both go back to that vicious cycle of me being pathetic and missing him and reaching out to him and Jess going back to treating me like dirt.

I don't want that to happen. I don't know what to do. I don't know if pulling back and ignoring Jess's attempts to reach out and apologize for that one incident (Saturday) is the right thing to do. HELP!!!

Jess Left Me More Voice Messages & Texts!

I wrote earlier that Jess called me this afternoon and left me a voice message apologizing for yesterdays fucked up verbal attack he gave me over the phone. I thought when I woke up this morning and saw his email apology that that was what it was going to be, just an email apology. But. he called me three additional times today, and left me another voice message tonight. He also sent me a text message earlier in the evening. I haven't responded to any of them yet. I have my reasons. 

I'm not playing games or giving Jess payback for all the shit and abuse he has dealt me. I just sincerely don't know what to do or what to say to him. I don;t want to fall right back in the pity party and tell him how much I love him and miss him. If I call him back and tell him that yesterdays whacked out blowup was okay and no harm done, then it will all begin again in a day and I'll be back to feelings of sadness and despair and anxiety when he ignores me again or treats me like shit again, or tells me he isn't in love with me again, or tells me he wants to have sex and date other men again, or tell me that I can't stay alone in his apartment anymore, or tell me that he doesn't want to see me because I don't have a purpose for seeing him, or telling me that I am a pest, or that I am whatever I am!!!!

Get my drift? I love Jess very much and don't know what the fuck to do!

And Now A Voice Mail Apology From Jess, As I Hoped For And Expected.

I wrote earlier today that Jess sent me an email first thing in the morning. I read it when I woke up. It was an apology email for the verbal beating Jess gave me yesterday while we were on the telephone. I never responded to his email. I didn't think I needed to. I have kissed his ass and come crawling back time after time after time after time. In his rant yesterday, he called me a pest and told me that when he is in a bad mood, I need to stop thinking about "myself" and let him be. So, I am letting him be!!

Jess called me at around 2:30pm this afternoon. I let it go to voicemail. Reason being I have no clue as to what to say, what he wants to hear and whats to come. I feel that backing off a bit and giving him room would not only be good for him but good for Jess. Possibly he will realize that I am not always going to be there and maybe, just maybe I am done with his bullshit and his issues and how he treats me. I'm not... but let him think that! :-)

His message was about 2 minutes in length. He pretty much reiterated how sorry he was for "taking it out on me" yesterday. He repeated again, how unhappy he is with his work schedule and all the stress and hours he put in last week and what he thinks will be the same for the week coming up. He said that he didn't go to Ellen's party last night because (as I probably realized) he wanted to be alone and was in no mood to be with people! uh, NO SHIT!!  He told me that all this stress that he has been going through just boiled over and he let it all unload on me (like I wrote earlier, Jess is closest with me and I get all his shit and abuse because he hides it from everyone else). He said he was thinking about me and wanted to call me and apologize again! He asked me to call him later.

My synopsis of all of this is that I am super glad that Jess called and wrote to apologize. He usually always does. It hurts and tears me apart when he acts up like this which is all the time. Over the last three weeks he has been treating me like shit almost every time we speak. I think I will pull back and  make myself a bit scarce to Jess. Maybe he will appreciate me more and not take me for granted, or maybe he will be happy and feel he is finally done. Either way, I think I need to take that chance and gain back a bit of my humility and self esteem and dignity which is just about gone, at least in my mind with regard to Jess.

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream And Jess. I Know This Is Crazy, But Love Is Fucking Crazy Sometimes!

Wednesday night I went to my local grocery store. Sometimes they have awesome sales going on. This particular day they had a sale on all Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and FroYo. I'm not a big ice cream eater, but Jess is. And who the fuck am I always thinking about? Jess! The sale price was really good $1.95 per pint. So like an asshole, I sent Jess a text message (just another way of me to keep our communication going) and told him about it and asked if he wanted me to pick him up any. (Jess, although he makes a great living, is cheap as hell and loves a great bargain). He was crazy busy with work that night and sent me a text early the next morning. In it he asked, well if the offer is still on he would love Ben & Jerry's FroYo Cherry Garcia and Mint Chocolate Cookie.

That was all I needed to hear. I got right on it. Sometime during my day on Thursday, I headed back to the grocery store  and with my fingers crossed that they would even have those two flavors, I rummaged through the sale section for Ben & Jerry's in the freezer. Fuck, they had it! I bought two of each flavor for him. Maybe this will make Jess's ass even fuller and plumper, but wait, that's not gonna be for me!

So with the Ben & Jerry's in my freezer, I decided that I would head out to Jess at around 7:30pm last night. I knew he was going to be working late (he has worked till 10:00pm each night this week, its make him grumpy as hell and all he talks about is how much he hates his job). Why do I continue to put myself through all this torture and heartache? Because I fucking love Jess! Click on the jump below to read more and find out exactly what happened.

Jess's Apartment Keys

I was sad and down and gloomy and really had to see Jess. Last night I sent him a few texts and asked him if I could see him. I really needed to see him after he got done with work. He said he had dinner plans again after work and it would run late, probably till 10:30pm or 11:00pm and that would be way to late for him to see me, even for ten minutes. He told me that it would probably not a good time to meet. I was relentless, I told him, I didn't mind what time it was and that I would wait and would be happy to see him, even for ten minutes. He simply said, lets see what happens and maybe we can meet, maybe!. I left it at that. Eventually, Jess sent me a text and told me that he was working really late and had to finally cancel his dinner plans and he was heading home. Uh, I guess that was good for me, right? Well, maybe not.

By the way, Mary called me and told me that she finally told Jess just an hour earlier that he had missed my birthday. According to her (and don't forget, she is a fucking snake in the grass at times) Jess was shocked and felt badly about it. He asked her, why didn't you remind me. She said she thought he knew and he replied that he knew it was coming up but just simply forgot.

It was around 10:30pm and believe it or not I was still out, waiting. Click on the jump below to read more about what happened.

Dedicated To Jess: I'll Love You Forever

RYAN HUSTON - Love You Forever

Jess Called Me On The Telephone Today. Something Sounded Different.

Jeff called me today on the phone and I wasn't sure about whether I should answer. He had sent me that email (which I discussed in my post from earlier today) and I wasn't sure what to say on the phone. I let it go to voicemail. He left me a message. I listened.

I thought he was going to say, "shit, I realized that I forgot your birthday yesterday".  He didn't. Instead he sounded confused and didn't say much except that he wanted me to know that he had sent me the email (obviously I knew that but he didn't know that I got it yet).

That's all he said, and it was odd because it sounded like he wanted to say something but couldn't get the words out. Maybe he was distracted with someone else standing nearby, perhaps a hot guy or maybe he was reading a text while he was talking to me. I have no clue but, that's just my thoughts. Maybe he just was feeling sad, blue, missed me and really just needed to reach out to him like I have done with him hundreds of times. Ya think? Nah, but a big part of me would love that. Click on the jump below to read about my phone conversation with Jess.

I Will Love You Forever Jess!