Spoke With Mary Last Night

I took everyones advice and I called Mary last night. She answered and we spoke. For some reason she understood completely why I have kept my distance. She said she hasn't spoken to Jess since a few days after his birthday party when she emailed him and got no response. I explained to her that Jess most likely treats her the way he does and now again is ignoring her because of me. He is probably annoyed and angry that she told me where his birthday party was being held. In my opinion, I felt that sending him three bottles of champagne and having a unique appetizer made (that isn't on the menu) for him and his party is not something that he or anyone can "hate" me or hate anyone for. I did it anonymously as I already wrote. No one there new what was happening or about my gift. He was only told (later from the restaurant owner) that it had been a gift from an anonymous friend. I was told (by the restaurant owner) that he had a big smile and said "I know who it is." It was done for love and out of love and done for someone who was once my best friend on his 40th, the biggest birthday of his life. Okay so he hates me more for it and hates Mary for telling me where the party was. What can I do. I am used to the sadness and used to him hating me. But seeing Mary as sad as me - knowing its my fault is really hard. Also, I told her that her support as a friend over this entire Jess situation does not help or even feel good. She has her own issues with Jess and it compounds my issues with Jess and quite honestly never lets or helps me feel good, feel hopeful or even heal. She understands what I told her and has said she will do anything that I decide, even if it means no longer talk with me. That response still leads me to believe that I am better off without her because she is still on her binge that Jess thinks of her as "the fat, short, ugly girl" (her words, not mine, and going back again to speaking and hanging out with her will drag me down, and simply give me a partner to cry and commiserate with about Jess. I don't want that and although its what I've been doing, I really want to move forward. We'll see what happens; I'll let you all know. 

Jess...Unbreak My Heart (Toni Braxton)

It's been raining and gray and dreary in NYC for days and days. It seems like God is crying with me. I am thinking about you Jess, as I do all the time. You would think that after all these months I would have gotten used to this pain by now. But...I haven't even come close to begin healing yet. All I keep thinking is how I will love you forever. My heart will always be broken, actually more then broken - torn to pieces, as it has been for the past ten months. But, I won't give up hope that you and I will speak again one day and that I will hold you again and look into your beautiful eyes again. But in the meantime, I am doing my best to move on and forget. But, as you must already know Jess, I am not able to forget and moving on is the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. I haven't seen you or heard your voice or touched you in ten months. I'm as confused today as I was ten months ago when you wrote and said "goodbye." I don't understand what happened. Please, Unbreak My Heart! If love matters, if love counts, if love is good and if love is strong... then I will see you again one day. I love you Jess!

People Think I'm Happy And Content; Down Inside, I'm A Mess!

Lately, as you may already know, I go to this sleazy, dive of a gay bar. The few people (friends) that I tell that I am going there, laugh at me and ask me "how can you go to that dirty joint?" I don't know why, but I am comfortable there. Sure the bathrooms are small and dirty but I don't go into the bathroom for dinner. I take a leak, flush and then exit. But the people are nice, friendly, all are there for one thing, I guess sex. Me, thats not why I go. I don't go for sex. I go to talk and boost my hurt ego (from yes, Jess). I go to feel easy and comfortable and I go to make a move to "get out" and not sit and mope. Its been 10 months. I am tired of crying all alone in my home. Tired of seeing a sad movie or TV show or even commercial that immediately causes me to well up with emotion and almost always mutter out loud... "I miss you Jess - I love you". So I've been meeting a lot of people. Quality people you ask? Who am I to say. They are nice enough and at times they even act as if they like me and want me around. I don't talk to them about Jess. I can't - I won't. (Read all about it and more, after the JUMP)

Raunchy, Dark, Dirty, Gay Dives (Bars) Are Fun!

Been feeling really blue (for lack of a better word) the past few days. Actually, I am always down and blue and feeling bad. The loss of Jess and the constant ache from missing him is at times, more than I can handle. But, lately, since cutting off Mary, I have been on the fence with "do I call her or do I not call her?" As of yet (it's been 11 days) I have kept away and had no contact with her. So, I have been doing something that I have never in my life done, at least not on a regular basis. In the last few months, I have been going to a really cool, upscale, gay sports bar here in NYC. The place is top notch. No go-go boys, no sleaze, just a huge, clean, nice place to hang out, watch some sports, get a drink, (not a drinker really either) and look at men. I try to go once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I have gotten friendly with a cute guy (almost a boy) mid to late twenties guy, who works there doing something at the bar. Maybe he's a bar-back but he's most likely a bartender who doesn't bartend. It's cool knowing him because whenever I go there, he gives me a big hug and kiss and walks back to see me numerous times while I'm there. It makes me feel good. So do the other guys who say hello, smile and come over to say hi. I like the attention - especially since I am always low and sad and comparing everyone and everything to Jess. Anyway, I have also met a few nice people, some of which I keep in contact with. They text me and mostly ask me if I want to meet them at that bar. Feels good, I guess. One of the guys introduced me to a friend of his. He and I have talked a lot. (Read all about it and more, after the JUMP)

Dale & Drew. . . Thanks For The Honest, Intelligent, Insightful Feeback

I needed to do a small post right now. This blog (MY BIG ITCH) was originally created to help me. Yes, help me vent and help me speak about things in my life that I may not otherwise be able to speak about with those in my everyday life. I thought and still do think that it will enable me to better deal with my problems. Also, and this is a very big also; maybe and really just maybe, someone who might just stumble upon my sometimes pathetic life (here in my blog) may get some benefit from it as well. I truly hope that what I write gives another person the jolt they need to not do some of the things that I have done which ultimately got me to this low point. Or perhaps it might help then do something different - like take a smarter or more appropriate path then I took. If I can save even one person - man or woman, any of the incredible and constant suffering that I experience, then that in itself will make my blog one of the most worthwhile undertakings I have ever done. I mean that from the bottom of my broken heart.

I will say this. I also never expected to communicate, albeit on a very superficial level, with some really super-smart, wise and thoughtful people. Drew and Dale - thank you for taking the time to care about me, a stranger who you don't know and most likely never will. Your comments are helpful, very helpful and I appreciate them more then you will ever know. Please keep them coming. I love hearing from you guys. And anyone else who would like to leave a comment, good or bad, supportive or not, I welcome that and invite you to do so.

Thanks,

-S-

Is It The Rain? Mary? Me? My Life? What Is Wrong With Me?

I just got an email from Mary. Although I haven't spoken with her since last Tuesday evening, she writes me and leaves me phone messages, wondering what happened to me, where I am, and if I am all right. I can't speak with her now because it's too hard for me. It's been so painful knowing her this past year and having her talk to me and commiserate with me about Jess all the fucking time. Not just consoling me but talking to me about him and feeding me information about the where, whats, whys and hows of Jess. I cried all the time - even now, typing this is making me feel that pit in my gut rising into my throat and I am mustering all the strength I can to keep myself from crying my eyes out and collapsing into despair and sadness over losing Jess in my life - especially losing Jess because he obvious never wants to speak to me again. It's a pain almost unimaginable to anyone else who has never experienced something like this. This was and is the worst time ever in my entire life. How someone I loved and who loved me can ignore me as if I never existed and hate me so much that they act as if they couldn't care less if I was dead or alive, and avoid me so completely for the rest of their life. It is heartbreaking 24/7. But like I said, Mary has deep issues herself - don't we all. But hers are based on Jess as well. She misses his friendship as he treats her like shit. Maybe he treats her this way because she is (was) friends with me. He ignores her calls and texts and emails and only speaks to her when he has to. I can't stand it anymore! Aside from the fact that knowing and talking to Mary keeps me in the most heartbreaking place, it also hurts me to see her going through what she is. It even makes me angry sometimes because she and he are still friends and although he treats her like shit, she at least can talk to him and see him; I can't! Maybe, he has ramped up his hate (anger or whatever you might call it) for her this past week because he must know that it was Mary who told me where and when Jess's birthday party was going to be. Imagine, buying a friend 3 bottles of champagne and four bottles of sparkling beverages (for those who don't drink alcohol) and a lobster and fresh vegetable appetizer... and being hated for it! That's what I get for loving and caring and being heartbroken and missing my best friend. I get hated and so do any others (Mary) who associate with me. I am weak, I know that but I am fucking trying to move on. I have to distance myself totally from Mary. But, how do I? I feel so bad for her. She also has her demons (being sloppy and lazy, having very few friends, being fat and feeling very unattractive, never having a man, etc. etc.) and I feel like I have done the same thing to her that Jess did to me - I abandoned her!  But, what can I fucking do? Look, I started this post today going to write about the email I got from Mary (about 30 minutes ago). Once again, reading it has made me feel lower then low, awful, pathetically sad and without hope. It makes the constant pain of missing Jess, intensified one hundred times more. Even with keeping Mary at a distance to avoid  these kind of things - she still gets to me, with emails that break my fucking heart. I don't think I'll ever heal. What the fuck am I going to do!

Here is an exact copy of the email that Mary sent to me today (after the jump). Read it and you will see exactly what I am talking about.

My Thoughts 3 Days After Jess's Birthday Bust

It's Friday night.  Wow, so Tuesday night (Jess's Party night) was a fucking rough night for me. If you read my post from Wednesday, the very next day, I was so damn out-of-it and pretty much a mess. I thought again that I failed and thoughts of Jess and I never, ever speaking was pretty much the reality.

My Gift To Jess And The Subsequent Failure Of It!

I failed again! I failed again with Jess. I tried to make a warm-hearted, understated gesture of love for him at his birthday party last evening. I didn't say anything to anyone about it because, quite honestly, I was embarrassed to do so and I didn't want to take a chance that something would fuck it up; but, it fucked up anyway! In my heart I felt I was doing the right thing. As a reminder to all you reading this, it was Jess's 40th birthday party. He was throwing a sit-down dinner for approx. 12- 14 friends. (Of course, for those not following my posts - I was not invited nor have I been spoken to by Jess since last July). Also, I have not written or emailed or texted him since last February 7th. Jess told my and his friend Mary (in early February) that had I not contacted him with emails, texts and phone messages that he would have called me by then (February) and we would have been friends by then. As fucked up as that sounds, I decided from that point forward not to contact him. Perhaps my silence would bring about our friendship or renewed friendship or renewed communication. So, fast-forward to his party. I made arrangements (Mary clued me in on where his party was being held) to have an appetizer (something new and unique) prepared for all as well as three bottles of champagne and 4 smaller bottles of non-alcoholic sparkling drinks brought to the table without fanfare, hoopla or invasion of Jeff's party. This wasn't about me. The owner was supposed to tell him that this was from a friend who preferred to remain anonymous. I felt that was the least intrusive and "under the radar" way of doing something for the man who I cherish as my friend and who I will always love; I mean, this was his 40th birthday for God sakes!

An Amazing Comment From Dale. Thank you Dale So Very Much!

I needed to get to my computer and write this post. I got a text on my phone an hour or so ago with a "comment" posted to my blog. It was so amazing that I needed to write a post specifically to let you all read it. I have never, at least I can't remember, post someone's comment; but here is the exception. There are good people out there and Dale (the person who wrote the comment to me) has sent me such a moving and heartwarming post that I wanted everyone and anyone out there who may be feeling similar or exactly as I have been feeling, to read it.  Maybe it will help you as well, even if for just a few minutes! Thanks Dale. You are a good person and not only will I benefit from your words but I think all those who read them will benefit as well.

Dale W. said...

I've just stumbled across your blog, and spent a good hour reading through some of your posts. Oh honey.

Firstly you need to be told that you too are amazing. Lovable, sweet, brilliant and charming. It seems to me that you need to remember this a lot more often. I've never met you, and yet it's obvious from your blog that you're not remembering that you were a whole person, a complete, lovable, amazing person before Jess came into your life, and you will still be that person when he's left it.

That said, honey, you need to start lifting your head up again. I know you're hurting, and I know things feel lousy and cruddy when you've had one you love shut you out, but come on, dearest. There's still sunrises, and still birds singing, and you're still an amazing man put on this Earth to make people happy, to fulfil a role, to make a difference. Something I know you can do.

I'm nowhere near you in the world, or I'd come over and give you a giant hug; it seems to me you need it. But I can do the next best thing as far as I am able, and that's to tell you that YOU are both wonderful and loved. I wish you love and light and positive feelings and wishes and hope you can still see that the sun is shining upon you and you need no-one else to complete you. You do that just fine on your own.

DW.xxx

May 9, 2011 1:20 PM 

What I Am Going To Do For Jess's Big 40th Birthday

Okay, after much "should I or shouldn't I?" thoughts, the "should I" won out. I have decided to do something for Jess on his birthday. It will be understated and heartfelt. It will not interfere, grand stand or get in his way. It will most definitely not be about me - its his birthday and all about him. I love Jess forever and a 40th birthday is in my opinion the biggest birthday of a persons life.

So do you want to know what I did? Come back and read all about it on Wednesday. I can't tell you now... or can I?

More On Jess

It's Saturday morning and it looks like a beautiful day in NYC. Crystal clear, deep blue sky with  temps that are supposed to just touch 70 degrees.

Mary told me the other day that she spoke with Jess in his office the other day. (She actually told me this the day the conversation took place). She said that Jess for no reason at all brought up the discussion about himself saying that he was most likely destined to be alone because he feels he is not able to be in a relationship.  He told her that just when he feels that someone is "the one", another part of him pulls back and says "no, this isn't going to work for me.".  Was he trying to tell her something about maybe me?  Was he trying to say that he is so fucked up that at 40 years of age he is throwing in the towel and confirming that he is so damaged by something from his past that he cannot be happy being in a relationship with another person? Is this why you ran from me Jess? There is no reason why we couldn't have made it work and even now, there is no reason why we couldn't have been in one another's life still - as friends.

One last thing. Mary also told Jess (in that same conversation) that she felt horrible that she knows that he is leaving the country for a new work position in 6 weeks. (Remember, he told her that he was close to accepting an offer to head to Europe for a few years.) Well, Jess said to Mary, "Why are you stressed about that? You have no reason to be." She told him that she feels so awful that he is going to leave and I (meaning me) won't know. He further replied "did you tell him?"  She said, "No, not yet." He then said, "Well, as of right now I may not even be going." When Mary told me this, I was ecstatic, thrilled, overjoyed! I may have more time to reconcile a friendship with him. But I also may now have more time to simmer and cook and bake in my own horrible aching sadness about a situation which I can't seem to move on from. Perhaps in the long-run, Jess moving away for good, as painful and further heartbreaking as that may or may have been, might be the necessary step for me to endure to finally heal or start to heal.

Jess's birthday is this Wednesday.  There is a party which he is making for himself apparently at a small downtown restaurant here in the city. According to Mary, it is a small gathering for a sit-down dinner for 10. I wish I was there - I mean its for Jess's 40th birthday! I am not going to send a card, or an email or a text or a gift. I will do nothing but, if you've ever seen the I Love Lucy show, Lucy just has to do something. In my case, I have to do something understated and hopefully classy and elegant that can satisfy my hearts ache. I want to do something, and again, I say very understated without grandstanding, for my best friends 40th birthday. Stay tuned - there is more to come.

Happy Saturday all!

Support Group? We All Suffer In Different Ways! Anyone Interested?

     Although I am still not able to write and blog the way I want to, I am still here. As you know, I am a fucking mess and trying to survive and ride out my personal storm. Maybe I am just weak to start with or maybe losing Jess was losing the only person who ever loved me. Regardless, my sadness and ache is so strong that it physically hurts and keep me from doing most things.  One of those things is sitting here at my keyboard and typing and discussing all that has happened in my life over the past six or so months while I wasn't blogging. A lot of it also is heart-wrenching for me to detail in writing. It's not that I have forgotten a thing - its just that I hate to hear it again as I think it. Hope that makes sense. But, and here is the big but. I will tell everything. I will tell the stories of Jess saying good things about me and Jess hinting that he cares still. I will also tell the stories of Jess's actions that lead me to think he hates me and never plans on communicating with me. Plus I will talk about everything else in my life that has occurred that is not Jess related. I just can't do it now.
     What I can do now is toss out a thought that I am reluctantly thinking. I am in NYC. There are many people in and around NYC who are straight, bi and gay/lesbian. They are also suffering with their lives. Be it relationships or anything else. Suffering comes in many different sizes and shapes and colors. I'd love to form a group. Not a whiny, chit-chat group but a group where those can connect with others who feel the same and who are going through struggles in life. A group where they can meet and speak or listen to other who care! We can start with emailing and then escalate to Skype or telephone conversations but ultimately, I would love it to be a group of friends who meet in Manhattan at a coffee shop, park or restaurant. Even if you don't live in NYC or New Jersey or close by, you can be a part of this. We will work it out so that no one is excluded. I am open to suggestions and idea's as to how to do this. I want to do this. I need to do this for me and for all of you who may be feeling as I do. We are not alone. Suffering is the worst thing about life. So let me please know what you all think. I hope to hear from you as either emails or comments. I will post all comments on my blog here so those interested can see how we are progressing. Lets do this. It might be the best thing we've all ever done.

Goodbye Jess

Jess and I last year

Setback

I was all set to begin blogging again on May 1st.  But, life has once again kicked me in the ass, but this time its not just a kick; it's a complete beating. As many of you know, Jess, the man in  the center of the saddest story of my life; the man who wrote me a goodbye email last July; the man who has not seen me or uttered a word or responded to any of my attempts to reach-out to him; the man that I still love and miss more than anything... is leaving NYC. My friend Mary told me Saturday night that she has been avoiding telling me for fear it will push me off the edge. The sadness is that Jess is packing soon to totally move out of NYC and will be relocating to the Middle East. He has taken a work assignment there. So, sometime between May and June, Jess will leave and the chances of speaking or re-conciliating our friendship will be over. I know he is leaving for reasons related to work, but the fact that Jess is leaving for good is killing me, again as usual.

I Sent Jess A Heartfelt Email.

I decided to write Jess. It's no secret how much I miss him and how much I want him in my life. I know that he already is aware of that. I needed to tell him, again. Here is an email that I wrote him late last night. I'm sure he won't respond, but I still needed to write. I don't even know if he will read it but I am hoping he does. Perhaps, just perhaps if he is on the fence or stewing over all of this, just perhaps this email might get through to him! Click on the jump below to read the heartfelt email I sent to Jess.

A Poem Of Sorts.

I looked so forward to the times when we were together

I hoped that it would last forever

But now there's nothing I can do

I'll just wait and hope to hear from you

We used to talk

We used to laugh

You were my very best friend

I thought that's how it would always be

You taught me so much

I never felt alone when you were in my life

I wish it were still the same

But someday I know it will

Maybe not today

But one day we'll meet up again

Until then, I will never forget you

You are still my best friend

I miss you Jess, very much

Remembering Jess

I don't think I ever wrote this in my blog. When Jess and I were alone in his or my place, he would come real close to kiss me. We always had our shoes off when we were at home. And he would always stand on the tops of my feet while we were kissing. It was perfect! It made me melt, even more then I normally did.

My Response To Mary After She Sent Jess And Me Her Email.

Mary sent her final draft of her email tonight. I got a copy and Jess got a copy. Will he respond to her about it? Will he reach out to me? Probably not on both counts. The final draft of the email was pretty much identical to the early draft Mary sent me this morning which I posted in my blog earlier. Just a few tweaks here and there but for the most part it was the same as the early draft she wrote.

Tonight, I wrote Mary (who is in Vegas) a response.  Of course I only sent it to her and didn't send a copy to Jess. Of course not! Anyway, here is the email I sent her. If any of you are thinking that it is too somber and hopeless, well, that's how I am perhaps feeling right now.

Mary,

Your email was beautiful. So real and brutally honest. Thank you for writing that. I read it twice and it moved me tremendously. It was powerful! However, I think most likely, it will have no effect on Jess! Normally an email like that would have a huge effect on someone, on anyone, how could it not! But I am afraid to admit that I think the reason it will have no impact on Jess is because it is about me, about Steve!

I have been thinking about Jess (probably even more then usual) and thinking so much about your email since I received it from you tonight. I keep trying to make sense of how I could treasure, love, respect and care so much about my friendship with Jess when he appears to care so little about me. I know you say that Jess does care, but I don't understand how he could after there has been absolutely no reaction from him with regard to me. No response, no words, no thoughts, not even the slightest acknowledgement has been thrown in my direction that I exist in his life, if even in a small way.

I am feeling that friendship, and even love is a temporary illusion. I should not fret about love or about thinking someone is my very best friend. I should not think about how lonely I am or how hurt.  You see, I am alone, I always will be. I came into this world alone and I will die alone. I need to realize that and maybe, just maybe I will become comfortable with that and never again worry and be so sad, so devastated about these silly things like love and temporary friendship.

Steve

I CAN SAIL WITHOUT WIND, I CAN ROW WITHOUT OARS, BUT I CANNOT PART FROM MY FRIEND WITHOUT TEARS!

I was on the West Side of Manhattan over at Chelsea Piers the other day. As I was walking along the river, immersed in my thoughts and most likely sadness about Jess, I came across a spot that had a larger marble and stone mural sitting on the grass. The mural must have been over seventy feet long and I must have passed that spot a few dozen times but I swear, I had never seen it before. The mural (I later found out) was erected some years ago. I almost broke down in tears right there. I mean serious tears!. Yes or course I cried but, I cried mostly on the inside and my eyes welled up. This mural was speaking to me and to Jess. I took a picture of it. I hope you all can read it. Wow! That was fucking powerful. I took Mary to see it the very next day!

I CAN SAIL WITHOUT WIND, I CAN  ROW WITHOUT OARS, 

BUT I CANNOT PART FROM MY FRIEND WITHOUT TEARS!

You all know of Mary. She is Jess's friend (of 4 years) who Jess introduced to me last November. She and I have become good friends in the last few months and she has been my sole supporter for the most part regarding  my sadness and downward spiral after  Jess turned his back on me. She speaks with him (usually rarely when Jess feels the urger to talk about things and/or me) but she I guess is the connection between Jess and me. I love her for her help and support and her love and also for her firm belief that Jess cares about me still. She feels he is hard headed and has shut down temporarily. She feels that he is being way to hard on me and that he has punished me (for what, she doesn't know) enough. Most important is that Mary feels that Jess will contact me. It may take him a bit more time but she feels it in her gut that he will. "Give him some time", she says! I am doing that!

Mary left this morning for Vegas to celebrate her Mom's birthday. I will miss her. She and I will speak everyday but I don't have her here to lean on and cry to about Jess. I know its going to be difficult for me to be "without her" but Mary needs the break from me and I need to toughen up and stand on my own. I can do that until Friday, can't I?

Mary said she was going to draft an email to Jess and to me and send it to us both. She hopes he will respond and most likely he won't but I am sure he will read it. Mary sent me the first rough draft of the email. I am going to print it here in this blog. Keep in mind that it is just her rough first draft. I assume that she will re-write it and send the finished, improved final draft to Jess and me later tonight. So click on the jump below to read Mary's first rough draft of her email she plans to send to me (again) and to Jess. I love her for it! What do you think of what she wrote?