I Need To Speak About Me Now!

Many of you have become quite familiar with my discontent, my unhappiness and my angst. You also know that my life has been a struggle and although there are times when I feel good, they are mostly interspersed with times where I feel like crap. Whether you've noticed or not, I am becoming overwhelmed with what to do about this. There is so much going on in my life that is causing me to fully realize that I need to change and just be me. I have always been someone who lived his life according to the expectations of others; my parents, my siblings, my friends, my acquaintances, my gym buddies, my co-workers, my neighbors, my girlfriends; and yes, even the occasional (semi-secretive) boyfriend. I have lived I have always been two people - the person who I think others expect me to be and the person who I really am. It scares the shit out of me.  How can I have lived this way and expected to ever really be satisfied? How could I have lived this way and ever think that I could sustain being two people. So you're wondering what two different people have I lived as? I've lived as the secure, happy, content, successful, masculine, sexually charged straight man all the while really being the insecure, unhappy, struggling, somewhat masculine but making sure that my masculinity is widely perceived, bi man. Wait, let me change one thing. Isn't it time at this point in my life, especially after being in a loving (but super discreet gay relationships in my past) that I toss the "bi" out and just admit that I AM GAY! Fuck-it!  I am gay and have been for most likely a very long time! Now, why the fuck can't I simply say that to everyone! When I mean everyone, I mean my sister and brother and mom and dad and nephews and nieces and co-workers and friends and Facebook friends and gym friends and everyone! Because, although I may sneak into dark, dingy out-of-the-way sleazy gay bars (and I really never hook-up in these bars - I'm there looking for acceptance and friends who I guess will validate that it's fucking okay to be who the hell I really am), and have had a boyfriend or two that I had to mostly hide from the world (this is why I had to blog about my relationships, good and bad because I had really no one to talk to about it), I am really a poor excuse for a gay man, but more-so I am a great example of a gay man who is struggling to tell the world that "I am gay and accept me for who I am."

The past month or two I have been putting non-specific articles and images and quotes and links on my blog here. Why have I been doing that? Because by doing that I don't have to talk about me and I wanted to keep the few of you who read my blog interested and coming back - once again, there goes my acceptance issues, but I have a choice now that I must deal with. A choice that has confronted me for a very long time. I can continue being miserable, feeling that I am different, being unhappy and lonely or I can accept who I truly am and by doing so, comfortable let the world know that I am done hiding in dark corners, figuratively and literally, and just be me. I am scared as hell - I want to be accepted and I hate rejection but I also want to be happy. Will that help me be happy? I honestly feel it will assist me to get on the road toward that goal. I will write more - you can count on that. 

This Is Me!

We all know that I'm having a rough time, and we all know that Jess is the love of my life, but in the last month or so, it's quite obvious that Jess has let me know that I'm not the one he wants right now. But yet, I still fight for him and wait and stick by him. Of course, all his texts and calls and emails, both good and bad kind of keep me in the mix without fully healing and moving on. It's almost as if Jess is giving me a choice, to go or stay and he seems to let me go and then reels me back in. Its torture for me, especially since I love him so much. 

I guess I don't need to tell you all that lately I am very lonely and feel unattractive. I guess Jess and all the shit that has been swirling around lately between us makes me feel that way. Last night when I was with Mary (after that horrible Jess telephone conversation), Mary snapped a few pics of me (you can see that I have on the same watch that I was wearing when I was on the boat with Jess in the picture with Jess a few posts earlier). I guess I hammed it up a bit, but anyway this is me. Why am I posting this stupid ass picture -- maybe because I was hoping that someone out there might find it nice, or sexy or even hot. I guess, being so down on myself is making me feel like I need a compliment. Indulge me, and I apologize if this is tacky!!  

I miss Jess and love him more then you can possibly imagine.