Keeping Busy Is A Good Thing

Friday night with Marco #1 was fun. We met up at 7:00pm and went to the gym for a workout. I actually took him to my gym since we were on 6th Ave and a branch of my gym was nearby. The workout was fair - actually it sucked but only because Marco #1 wasn't into it. In the gym he's a big pussy, but it was fine. I had worked out in the morning anyway so it was kind of like my second work out of the day. Next we got a bite to eat at this cheap but cool chicken joint on the upper west side. Then, back to his apt. to get his bikes (we played a little - and that was fun :-) and then off to Central Park for some night photos. Marco #1 has an awesome camera so this was going to be interesting and fun. It was the most magnificent night out. The weather was clear and warm and slightly muggy with a great breeze. Riding through the park at that hour (11:00pm) was magical. I was really enjoying myself. Lately, after always being so down and sad, this was a great reprieve. Long story short, we took awesome photos (some of which I will attach to a separate post for you all to see). It's funny, one of my blog readers/followers on here recently wrote me and told me that I shouldn't bother adding pics of hot guys (I never do that anyway - oh maybe once or twice I did but only to make a point about something) because everyone else does that. He told me to consider adding my photography instead, which I agree with and will do. I will post a bunch of pictures that we took in Central Park here for you to see. Well, back to Marco #1 and Central Park. (Read all about it and more, after the JUMP)

My Very Sad Dream.

I sent this email to Mary this morning. It was my dream that I had about Jess sometime early this morning before I woke up. I woke up so sad, really sad, but I think I wake up that way thinking about him every morning.

Here is what I wrote to her:

I had a dream, and I had it early this morning. I was in Barnes & Noble. Or maybe it was Borders. I don't remember which. The store was different, the likes of which I have no recollection of ever being in. I was with you. I was paying for something at the register and you were wandering around somewhere waiting for me. When I got done paying, I went to look for you and saw you in the distance. You were standing next to a man in a dark navy blue suit. You and he were far away from me so it was difficult to see who he was. His back was too me. As I walked a bit closer to you, the man turned. He looked like Jess!  Could it be Jess? It was Jess! He looked at me and smiled. He was beautiful!! Jess!!! I got nervous and excited at the same time. I started walking faster to get to him and my heart was pounding in my chest. As I got closer, I realized it wasn't Jess. It was just a man. I was heartbroken. So disappointed. It wasn't Jess. It never will be Jess!  Then I woke up.

Thinking Of Jess, Always! Love Hurts

Nazareth : Love Hurts

Kansas : Dust In The Wind

I Have A Question Or Two! Can Someone Honestly Answer This?

I think I already know the answer to this, but maybe someone who isn't so close to Jess as I am can clearly answer this for me again.

• Why does Jess still want to communicate with me? If he was really finished with me and doesn't care about me anymore, then WHY DOES HE STILL CALL ME, TEXT ME AND EMAIL ME but tells me that he is angry for what I did and isn't yet ready to see me?
• Why does Jess (or should I say, why did Jess, he stopped as of Sunday, after our Sunday night telephone call when I told him that I wasn't going to contact him again) care about me and my dad? He wrote me everyday, numerous times telling me that he was worried and concerned about my dad and about ME?
• When I told Jess that I was not going to call him anymore or email him, he kind of smirked and said, "okay, that will last three days before you write or contact me again."  I get that! My past actions have proven that I need him and can't get over him. But, why doesn't he just totally move on?

I love Jess, and want him in my life. I honesty feel that Jess cares about me. I don't know how much he does but I feel it, I feel something in him cares about me. I am NOT going to call him or write. Is this the right thing to do?

Does Jess really feel in his mind that I did such a terrible thing that night (yell at him and come to his apartment and take back the stuff I gave him and empty the closet shelf that I organized - keep in mind, the very next day, I spent twice as much and re-bought him all new things to replace what I took back, broke, etc. I even got him a few more things just to let him know how sorry I was!) that he really, truly and sincerely needs time (its been over 4 weeks) to get past it or to finish punishing me?

My Long Email I Wrote To Jess Tonight! ...And No I Didn't Back Down From My Position!

After receiving two emails from Jess, one last night and one Saturday night, I decided to write him a decent email tonight. I decided to do this for a few reasons. My reasons are below:

1. I told him nicely on Friday night that I was moving on and no longer going to keep in touch with him, unless he reached out to me. Which he did and he did for two nights in a row without any response from me. I do want to make my point with him that I won't allow myself to be used as a doormat anymore, but I also don't want to push him away. Lets not forget that I love him more then anything... I just don't want to be his fool or someone he feels he can manipulate. That aspect is over!
2. Early this morning I wrote him a two sentence email thanking him for his emails from the last few days. I decided that wasn't enough unless I want to give Jess the idea that I am done, for good! Truth is I am done for good with being a fucking fool, but if Jess can gain and maintain the respect that I deserve then I am not going to play games and/or hard to get. It's simple, respect me as I respect you and we can be friends and/or see where that takes us.
3. The email I wrote him tonight was long -- yes I agree. But if you read it carefully, it still stands firm on what I expect and how I feel about things without being rude, abrasive or even finger pointing.

Let me know what you think. I am pretty confident that Jess will write me tonight as well. Wouldn't that be funny if he doesn't? Yeah, a fucking riot! Here is the email I wrote Jess tonight. Oh, and by the way, I just started an Advanced English Comp.class.

Click on the Jump below to read the email I sent to Jess tonight:

What The Fuck! Jess Wrote Me An Email Tonight As If He Never Heard My Voice Message Or Got My "Goodbye Email" Last Night!

I talked to a friend Al tonight. He told me pretty clearly that what Jess has been doing to me these last weeks and even months is plain and simple...ABUSIVE! He told me that although I love him, Jess is fucking nuts! No one treats someone as he has treated you, my friend told me. Al also told me that Jess knows that he can call the shots and tell me what to do and when to do it because he knows that I won't stand up to him. My friend told me that I have been a fucking doormat! And that Jess knows I am a doormat and feels he can continue to treat me like shit and I will take it.

Well, not any more! I wrote in my blog that last night, I left Jess a voice message telling him that I had enough and that I was done writing email updates for him and done with being allowed only one email response from him per day and done not being able to see him or call him or text him and done with being a total doormat with no self esteem to move on when someone obviously is treating me so badly. I didn't actually say all that in the voice message verbatim but I made it clear that I was done with the treatment that I was getting and that I was moving on. I also sent him and email (which I put on my blog in the last entry for you all to read) where I nicely said that I loved him but I was moving on... I had enough.

My friend (Al) told me that I finally did the right thing. It will make Jess think perhaps. Jess is home in the quiet and simple Midwest and staying in his Mom and Dad's house and awaiting his brothers and sister for a big family reunion. I hope he thinks about the way he has treated me and realized that he is not only abusive but rude, immature and arrogant. (I decided to leave out the words fucked up and sick in the head).

That being said, of course I'm sad that its all over. I know that Jess most likely won't ever reach out to me. Or do I?

Guess who wrote me tonight? That's right... Jess!!!!! And he wrote me as if nothing had happened and as if he didn't get my email or voice mail (which I know he did). I mean, he sent me an email tonight from the same account that I sent the email to last night. Okay, so am I going to respond to his email tonight? NO FUCKING WAY. I am not playing games but I will respond when and if Jess ever writes to tell me that he is sorry for how he has treated me and lets me believe that things will change for the better. Do I need him to tell me he loves me and wants me back as his boyfriend? No and I'm sure that he will never say that, I just want equal respect and to be treated the same way I treat him (except for my bad when I lost my temper :-).

Stay tuned. I'm sure this isn't quite over yet!

Here is the email Jess sent me tonight. It's not what it says that is so interesting. Its that he wrote me after I told him that I was moving on. Take a look below and let me know what you think! Click on the Jump below to read the email that Jess sent me tonight at 11:46 pm (10:46 pm CT).

I Made The Move And Told Jess I Was Done And Moving On! I Have To Stick With This!

I have been writing emails and texts and leaving voice messages to Jess for a little bit over three weeks now (since I lost my cool in his apartment that Friday night back in mid June).  Yes, Jess had agreed after a week or so to speak with me but only in an occasional telephone call that he controlled (meaning when he wanted to call me or when he felt like he wanted to answer the phone when I called him). I think in the last three weeks he has taken two or three of my calls and he himself has called me two or three times as well.

By the way, the cartoon (in this post) is just a cartoon! I would never, ever touch or hit Jess or anyone! Just wanted to set the record straight.

He has told me a number of times that he wants me to continue sending him my one "update email" every day for him to read. He has said that he would guarantee me a written email response every day if I kept writing him. His rules were that I could write him or text him or call him as much as I wanted to but he was only obligated to respond with one written email per day. And yes, he has always responded with that one email every day. Sometimes his email responses (as I call them) come in very late, 1:00 am or 2:00 am.

Whenever I ask him when I can see him because I miss him so much, he ususally ignores that request. I can write him about five or six important things in my life which are going on and he cherry picks what he wants to respond about. Sometimes he totally ignores what I have written and just generically responds with a "hello, hope all is well" email.  I always know that writing him and asking him when can I see him or about telling him that I miss him will always be ignored.

Funny, the other day I mentioned in one of my emails that I missed him a lot. I also wrote that he probably will ignore that comment as he has anytime that I ever have mentioned it or asked him about whether or not he ever misses me. But in his "response email" he wrote that "yes, I do miss you."  How pathetic am I that reading that in his email made me happy for the day!

Whenever I call him he never answers the phone.  He never responds to my texts or my emails (except for the one that he is required to send as per his agreement with me).

He has told me that he cares about me and that he wants me in his life and that he was hurt by what I did three weeks ago by trashing his closet and taking back or throwing out the things that I gave him or lent him. But, I have apologized, replaced everything I took with new and mostly better versions of the same exact things that I took or threw out and literally begged for forgiveness. He has told me that he has to ease back into being my friend on his terms and not mine. Click on the jump below to read the rest, as well as read Jess's regularly scheduled one-a-day emails to me and my final email to him!

Jess Tells Me That He Misses Me! Woo Hoo!!

Here is an update on Jess.  Things are pretty much moving along as they have been. Am I still crazy in love with him? Fuck yes! Am I still hoping that Jess and I can make this work? Fuck yes!  Do I still think about Jess everyday and even every part of everyday? Fuck yes! Do I have fantasy's about holding him in my arms again and kissing him as he steps on both my feet and we tell the other how much we love each other? Fuck yes! Can I close my eyes and remember his amazing smell and the feel of his skin and hair? Fuck yes! Do I honestly believe all this? Fuck yes!

Jess and I speak every day. Well, we don't speak actually, we write. It is what Jess suggested to me that we do, almost two weeks ago. I feel that Jess is and has been teaching me a lesson. Even though I still feel that all this shit between us came about because of him and his inability to deal with love and getting close to someone and my subsequent inability to deal with someone who has problems dealing with such. Jess has a rigid personality.  He is different from me. I would forgive almost anyone immediately for almost anything provided that they were sincere and remorseful over what they may have done to or against me. Jess is an animal of a different color. I accept that. I can't push him to speed things up and be the way I want him to be. He needs to do things at his own pace. It may seem like "forever" to me since the night that I freaked out in Jess's apartment but it is pretty close to only 3 weeks, maybe a little more.

Jess writes me a long email everyday. Sometimes he calls and we speak on the phone and sometimes he texts. Last night, I was writing him my "daily update" as I call it. But for the first time, he never responded.  I went to bed sad thinking that it was the first time and first day that Jess didn't contact me, write me, nothing. But during the night, I woke up and for some reason (I know the reason - I had Jess on my mind and couldn't stop thinking about how he didn't write) I got out of bed and checked my email on my iPhone! Fuck yes! There it was, my email from my Jess! It came at around 1:20am and it was a really nice email. I know that he has been working really late every night on an important document at work that was pretty close to being completed and submitted. He apologized and said that he was working late AGAIN but that he was excited to see light at the end of the tunnel as his project (document) at work was completed and submitted by his committee earlier that night.

He went on to discuss what I had written him earlier and discuss things that were going on with him. But most important was that Jess (who lately has avoided telling me anything that might be construed as "soft" or "emotional" said something to me that made me smile and made me very happy. He said that he MISSED ME. Wow, hearing that from the tough and hard line Jess was amazing and gives me hope that things he may be softening if he is able to now say that to me again. I always knew in my heart that he feels this way but hearing or seeing him finally write it to me again... well thats something special for me. I hope that I too can see light at the end of my tunnel and be able to move forward with Jess by seeing him, becoming better friends, loving him and being with him again.

So the moral of this blog entry is this:

If there is anyone in your life who you care about (as I know Jess cares about me) and if you hardly ever or perhaps never tell them how important they are and how much you care or love them, then make their day!  Tell them! You may not even realize how important this may be for them to hear. So, tell your boyfriend, girlfriend, mom, dad, best friend, wife or husband or anyone who you value today! It will be something that will make someone so very, very happy!

I love you Jess forever! You are the most perfect person in the world for me - regardless of what anyone may think! Can't wait to be with you again!

I Love You Jess - When Can I See You Again?

Dear Jess,

I miss you so much.  It's been almost three weeks since I lost my cool and lost you. It's been even longer then that since I've seen you and we smiled together and enjoyed one another. I miss you more then you can ever know.  I love you so much Jess. When can I see you again?

Babyface : When Can I See You Again

Happy 11 Month Anniversary To Jess & Me

Today is the 11 month anniversary of Jess and me first meeting. I hope we can work to get past our issues and endure and grow stronger together.

Happy Anniversary Jess. I love you!

It Was A Difficult And Emotional Weekend! Some Progress To Report About Jess And I.

Sorry I haven't written in a few days (since last Thursday). Needless to say, it was a really rough weekend. Things with Jess and I are creeping along. I haven't seen him but have spoken to him on the telephone twice. The first call as discussed in my blog last Thursday was "nice enough" but definitely we are damaged. The second call which took place on Saturday was tough. Jess was harsh and tough but I was waiting for that "real Jess" to kick in.  Regardless, we have made some progress. Although he is not ready to see me, he and I are in frequent email and text message contact. We communicate with each other that way at least a few times a day. I am happy for that.

A Ray of Sunlight and Hope Regarding Jess

I will write a longer blog entry and fill you all in on the details later today. Stay with me people! I love knowing you are out there and please, please, please, continue responding to my POLLS and continue with your comments.

Really Emotional And Difficult Phone Call With Mary Last Night!

Tuesday night, I kept on diving deeper into my sadness, remorse and difficulty with realizing that Jess doesn't want to and most likely never will speak to me again. I guess my crime of emptying the two or three shelves in his closet was so despicable that I have been sent to a place where Jess never has to deal with me again.

Mary has been texting (3 times), calling (once) and emailing (once) since Sunday. She says each time that she is worried and actually she uses the word "they" are worried about me.  So Tuesday night, I decided that it was best to call her. If I kept not responding to her and then eventually she speaks to me day or even weeks later, she could very well be so annoyed that I let her worry that it would be another problem for me to deal with. Plus Jess would be even more pissed that I let them worry.  In other words, when they (she) don't hear from me, they are concerned, but if I am fine and they (she) don't hear from me, then they would be pissed.  Do you get that?

I called Mary. She was happy to hear from me and she told me that Jess will be thrilled to hear that I am okay. I guess they thought I was going to "do myself in" based on how bad and low I feel. Let them think what they want, but I would never do that. My cousin killed himself with a gunshot to the head about a month or so ago (I blogged about it) and it was not only so sad, but such a waste! Mary was kind of "tough love" with me. She kept saying that Jess doesn't hate me. He is concerned. The confusing part is that she says that Jess says that he would do anything for me to help me feel better. But when I ask her that all I want is for him to speak with me, she tells me that he says he can't do that now. We spoke for twenty minutes and she could hear that I am a mess. I think she knows that Jess is hard, a difficult guy but as I have long said, Mary loves Jess and supports his every move.

I asked Mary to please call Jess and ask him to please call me and talk to me, even if for a few minutes. I literally asked her (begged) to tell Jess that I am sorry and to please forgive me. She called him. He said that the only way he would speak/see me was if I went to a therapist and began therapy for all this sadness that I feel. I couldn't believe that Jess would tell her that. I was floored. I went to therapy (because of Jess) for almost five months with Peter. I did that because of Jess as well. It was useless and Peter possibly wasn't the right therapist and I gained nothing from our talks, so I left.

Jess is telling Mary that he is concerned about me. He hears from Mary that I am so sad and distraught over what has happened. He tells her that he wants to help me, but only will talk to me if I agree. Yes, I agree. Mary was so sad for me that I am in this position. She must really think that I am either a really big piece of shit or possibly she must really be shocked that I allow Jess to think of me as such.

Regardless, I have not heard from Jess at all yet. No texts, no emails, no telephone call, no NOTHING!

Today is the day that the blinds that I ordered for him are to be shipped to his apartment via UPS according to the tracking number. I paid for those blinds for him -- he never payed me back. I chose them and even measured them for him! How can he come home from work tonight and get the package and open it knowing that I am so sick over all of this. How can anyone be able to standby and watch someone they use to love suffer so much?

Here is the email I got late last night from Mary.

Steve-
I didn't mean to upset you with what Jess said. He genuinely wants to help you. I want to help you too. No one wants you in Bellevue; you are not crazy. But you're heartbroken and sad and it would only be a good thing to at least talk to someone who can help you see through this. All I want is for you to not be in pain anymore.  But that's a process and I want you to take a first step for me. I know you've been to a therapist before but this is a place to start. No pressure, no judgement, just you talking to somebody else who can help you understand why all this is happening. If you want me to I will go with you. I know you talk about dealing with all this yourself but that doesn't mean you have to be alone. Nobody has to be alone. You will never be alone or worthless as long as you have people who care. And I do care. I know I am just one person but I have faith in people and I have faith in you and I won't give up on you--ever. Please believe that, and believe in yourself. You are stronger than you feel right now. And you are more worthwhile and valuable than you can imagine. Please think about this. Please let me help, because I know if it were me you'd go to the ends of the world to help me and you wouldn't give up on me or let me give up on myself.  That's the Steve I love,
-Mary

Jess, I Love You! Even If You Hate Me!

It is Tuesday, at 5:20pm. I feel really awful. I miss Jess more then anything and I am having problems dealing with the loss and the hopelessness and realizing that I will never see or speak to him again. He has not at all reached out to me since the debacle on Friday night. He knows from Mary that I am a mess.

Mary sent me an email this afternoon. All it said was:

"All I want to know is that you are ok somewhere - you don't have to tell me where you are or what you're doing. I'm your friend don't forget and I care about you. Email, text, call, whatever".

Yeah, right! She is some friend. She is Jess's friend and she doesn't make any references to him at all when she tries to reach out to me. I haven't responded to Mary's efforts to contact me or even attempted to communicate with her or even Jess for that matter, since my last desperate conversation with her this past Saturday afternoon. I think Jess has most likely told her that he couldn't give a shit as to what happened to me. Regardless, I have not responded to any of Mary's texts or emails or her one voice mail. Part of me feels thinks that Jess may possibly be feeling a bit concerned about my welfare and if anything were to happen to me, then he may feel somewhat responsible. I told her on Saturday to tell Jess that he has nothing to concern himself about with me. My life is my own responsibility and he can rest assured that he is in no way to feel responsible or implicated in the event that a negative situation with me (health, breakdown, etc.) was to take place. In my logic, and I could be wrong, but if I contact Mary back and say that I am fine, then thats the end of me. I won't hear from her again and Jess will relax and move on and I will be totally dead to him.

I feel so bad!

I Have Not Heard From Jess At All.

It is Monday, almost 12:00pm. As expected, I did not hear from Jess at all. Saturday, when I was walking around in a dead mans daze, I saw Mary. I had so much anxiety and sadness and remorse, that I couldn't even sit still, eat, talk or do anything. I am sure that I must have worn Mary out. She cried a bit with me. She felt bad for me and told me that Jess most likely will be done with me (don't forget that Jess is Mary's only and best friend, aside from me. I have never seen loyalty to a friend like she has for Jess. I'm sure when she tells Jess about being with me on Saturday, she embellishes and discusses all and even changes the truth a bit regarding anything I have said or did). She knows that I love Jess tremendously. She even admitted that what I did was not so bad, and that Jess's constant attitude and moodiness and disrespect towards me would have pushed anyone over the top. Anyone that is who would have hung in there as long as I did.

I might have mentioned (I can't remember anything, my mind is mush) that when I finally left Mary's apartment on Saturday, I just wandered aimlessly around Manhattan. I was lost and feeling hopeless. Mary called me and I took the call. She said she spoke to Jess and that he was worried about me. He told her he couldn't speak or see me but that he was worried and very concerned about me in the condition I was in. She asked me where I was so she could come and get me, even take me to the hospital if I was feeling that awful. I told her thanks but she need not worry and to convey that same message to Jess... that he need not worry or concern himself about me.

I didn't hear from Mary the rest of Saturday. I was kind of hoping that I would. I can't call her anymore and complain and cry and be pathetic. So Sunday morning she sent me a quick text and told me that she was worried about me and could I contact her back. I didn't!

The rest of Sunday came and went and I didn't hear from Mary again or from Jess for that matter. This morning at around 11:00am Mary sent me another text saying pretty much the same thing. That she is concerned and could I just text her back and let her know that I am okay. Well, I'm not okay! And in my mind, I feel that Jess is the one telling her to check in on me like she is my warden and head nurse at the Psych Ward. My decision is not to answer any of her texts. I want Jess to text or call or email me and we all know that's not going to happen!

Right now, I am pathetic and weak and full of sadness. I miss Jess. I'm so sorry!

To Jess - I Will Love You For As Long As I Live! I Will Never Forget You!

Dedicated to my Jess, who I love more then anything in this world, and who I have most likely lost forever! I will miss you and love you forever! Please don't forget me - I will never forget you!

Simple Plan - "How Could This Happen To Me"

A Different Kind Of Love Song, For Everyone!

Love comes in all sizes, colors, genders and ages. This is dedicated to everyone and anyone who has ever been touched by the power of love. No matter who you are or who you love... there is nothing like it!

LOVE, dedicated to everyone and to Jess, the love of my life!
I love you with all my heart, forever, no matter what!

Cher: A Different Kind Of Love Song

Jess and Me

Email From Jess, Was I Too Harsh With My Response?

Jess's birthday today. I have been going through the motions all day, doing my routine, work, gym, etc. but all I can think about is him, his birthday, not being with him, his birthday party tonight. It's rough.

I called Jess this morning at around 11:30am to wish him a Happy and Healthy! It went to voice mail, probably because I dialed it specifically to go to voice mail by calling a special number first that puts the call directly to someones cell answering device. I just didn't know what to say to him, so that's why I did that.

Haven't spoken to him on the phone since I left him crying on Sunday afternoon.  He called me back 15 minutes later, and left me a message and told me to please come to his party tonight if I could. I could, but I won't.  Then he sent me an email and in it, he wrote that he hopes I am having a "great day"! What the fuck!!!  I thought long and hard about responding back. It took me 3 hours but I finally did. I didn't want to appear angry or distraught or confrontational. I want to keep things "nice" just in case he and I can salvage things. I want respect and I need to have self respect. Click on the jump to read what he wrote and then my response.

I Will Always Love You

Whitney Houston at her very best.  Even if you don't like her or her music, this is truly worth a listen.  She has perhaps one of the most incredible voices of our generation.  Good luck with the rest of your tour Whitney!